12.30.2009

A, Sexual...

It's late, I should sleep but I can't. A combination of caffeine and emotionality is keeping me awake. I'm not sure what exactly to say anymore. I feel reminiscent, and wanting to go back to how things were, but at the same time I know it isn't true.

Which brings me to this new realization. Being that no one I've ever dated I've had an genuine attraction towards. Oh sure we got along, and enjoyed each other's company, but there was never a real physical attraction. I think some of it is finding someone who fits with what you're expecting out a relationship, but at the same time, if you simply aren't attracted to someone...there isn't much you can really do. I love them, but, I can't say my desire to stay with them is any greater than my desire to not be alone.

Asexual, what a complete and utter lonely feeling. Knowing that you'll never be physically attracted to anyone regardless of your feelings towards them.

I need to get to bed before I let this overwhelm me.

12.27.2009

Life after the Holidays

All in all, the holidays weren't to bad. I managed to get some things I needed, a few I didn't, but a decent haul that makes life a bit better. One of the main detractors was that I won't be able to go on my vacation to Colorado since I can't find people to come with me. I am sure as hell not going up there by myself, and those who have the money don't have the time. I really needed to get away from things but...I don't see any real way of doing that except for just distance and time.

The week was a mix of pronouns and names for me. Something that will hopefully be better next year.

My emotions have been all over the place lately, I've been letting my depression seep into times when I would normally hide it. My mom noticed, though quickly dismissed. It's unusual, but then, I feel a growing awareness of my being jaded towards relationships. Given the recent events, I don't see that as a surprise. I worry about how things will be after graduation. Loneliness is always something I've struggled with, and I don't see THAT getting better anytime soon. I'm somewhat afraid that things will just get more and more extreme until I end up in a dangerous situation.

I'd originally typed out a long thing about my relationships, and remembering (un)fulfilling ones. But, every relationship has its fruit to bare.

It seems my sadness and anger over recent past events has subsided now to just a slow depression and pessimism that haunts everything I do. It sucks, but at least it is familiar. I at times get urges to write to my ex about hir perception of our relationship, and it not being favorable of me, but...then I just wonder what the point would be. Which is the question that I'm now forced to ask of everything I do.

Side note: I'm also trying very hard to remain sober, I'll keep you updated on this bit.

12.22.2009

The Holidays suck

I'm trying very hard not to make this entry sound very bitter. Very hard. I'm not even sure what to say, or do. I feel like I'm being assaulted from all sides, and I'm not sure how much more I can take. This is apparently what I get for opening up to people. How patronizing can you get....Okay so obviously I'm not taking things well. I don't see how you can blame me though, I open myself up to people, only to have them carelessly toy with my emotions and patronize me when they are apparently done.

I can handle the ex thing, given enough time, it will get easier, but to add THIS on top of it from a new front? I'm not sure how much land is left to burn to keep them from invading further inroads. Not to speak of the damage done to the land from the fires.

I don't think people grasp just how horrible it is for a trans-woman to feel rejected. Especially once trust has been established. It doesn't matter what reason you give, or site. A trans-woman will always feel it is (at least partially) attributed to her status.

I am so unbelievably tired of crying, and being hurt by people who I thought were friends.

12.19.2009

Outlook: Not So Good.

I'm not sure where to begin. I'm a mess. I could barely watch the movie Up without crying hysterically through the whole thing. Not that it is exceptionally sad, but the idea it offers for a narrative hits a sore spot for me. This was compounded by a rather surprising and serious conversation with a good friend of mine in regards to our as of yet unlabeled relationship. We've had feeling for each other for a while off and on, but recently started getting together more often. This led to said conversation, which ended with the conclusions that telling her family about us would likely destroy us as a couple, and fears of her being a rebound, and my concern of my issues effecting her family and her family life. So it seems I'm destined to be an under-the-table fuck at best, and distant friends at worst. Which, well I've get all the distant friends I can just about stand at this point.

I really shouldn't drink anymore. It's turning into a nasty catalysts for my negative emotions. I won't be able to see my therapist again over the holidays, which is complicating things. I really don't feel up to dealing with the holidays and all this bullshit. The irony of spending quality family time when I feel completely alone somehow seems to escape everyone except me.  My family is great and all, but they're akin to pets, you love them, but they don't comfort you at night. Much like my many other distant friends, they advertise their openness and willingness to help, but there isn't a supporting relationship there to facilitate said communication. I feel emotionally battered, between my own self destruction, and other people's negligence and indifference, there simply isn't much left.

12.14.2009

Experiences

Another update, If I keep this up, I may just have a whole recurring thing going here.

So, I was asked today whether I enjoyed my previous sexual encounters with my female partners. It's an ...interesting disturbing question to answer though. In my experience, basically, no. I mean, yes the physical pleasure is there, but I was always so caught up on being able to satisfy that I was never able to enjoy it myself (aside from the obvious reasons). There are exceptions to this of course, there are about 1-3 times that I can remember where the bond with the other person overwhelming, and I still look for that sensation, though..it is somewhat...elusive.

Which brings me to tonight. I have an interesting situation with a friend of mine. We get together and occasionally roll around and get somewhat physical. It never goes very too far, so it is mostly innocent... Well, mostly. Anyway, we engaged in this behavior tonight for a good three hours or so (my legs still shake), I need hir to give notes to whoever I date next, but when I was leaving I got a very strange sensation. It isn't natural for me to have an emotion that I can't name or place...but strange is all I've been able to come up with. It isn't a relationship issue because we aren't involved, nor do I think we would desire to be, so I'm not sure what to make of it. It wasn't guilt or shame, or anything like that...very puzzling.

I'm coming up on the two year anniversary of my crash. January of 2008. In a way I did end my life. I ended my life as I knew it, and began this journey, or at least the road to it. Looking back, it seems obvious to say I should have done this long ago...but, that trivializes my gains. I had no idea how things were going to work out. I had just moved to a new city, I had no good friends, no intimate relationships, and an restless desire to not be who I was. The scary part of that month, wasn't the actual act that started it, it was the fear (and a friend of mine who was there at the time, and now a tremendous friend) of what I might do the next day. It's quite a thing to be legitimately scared of yourself, and what you might do. I want to get my friend's thoughts on that time period soon and see what she remembers. Though that may be more of a January entry.

12.13.2009

Re:solvent

Apparently I have the resolve of lukewarm ice-cream. Earlier today I had a conversation with my ex about some shoes that I thought she would like, which led to a thought about getting any Christmas presents for her. My first reaction was strongly negative given everything that has happened between us lately. Though I ended up getting her something anyway. I'm not all together comfortable with the current situation, but there isn't much that is going to change that. While I did visit her the other day, it wasn't something...natural. It was very much forced relaxation on my part, and a constant effort to not think about the recent events. One of the things that bothered me was seeing little touches of her new interest all over the place. While that was somewhat of basically a confirmation, it isn't anything that was unknown before hand.

Which leaves me wondering what the point is. What do I expect to gain from all of this? I've learned of her indifference towards me, so what is with the urge to give something. More importantly, what do I want to say with it. Well, I have an idea of that, but...why bother.

It's times like this that make me want to just shrivel up, lay in bed, and slowly rot to death. The worst bit, is that I find myself reaching out to past interests when I would normally not bother, for the sake of filling the void. Relationships that may very well have some substance in them, but would be tainted and colored by this aspect.

I find myself withdrawing into seclusion again, falling into a emotional trap that I know there isn't an outlet for that doesn't involve some ugly situation and emotions. I've already gone through once this month, I'm not sure doing it again is going to be healthy.

12.08.2009

Distractions

It's been a few days since my last episode and things are getting better. I spent a day down in San Antonio visiting a friend of mine. It was good just to get out of this town and out of my head. I want to say things are somewhat resolved between the parties involved. That doesn't mean I'm ready to take them camping and sing love songs to their relationship. It just means I don't want to annihilate myself on a daily basis. I'm not sure if things will ever get back to where they were, but thats just how things may have to be.

I still don't feel that the void created has been reduced or filled by anything. I feel very much alone much of the time, with good friends, but they aren't intimate relationships. With that, I find myself pursuing old relationships when, honestly, I don't feel I would be if I had a romantic interest. The past holds a plethora of possibilities and old mistakes to remake, but the argument of that being better than being alone is a valid one.

I'm almost done with the semester, with one class finished. My free time is soon going to be the entirety of my day, and that somewhat scares me as I tend to run into trouble when left alone for to long by myself and my mind.

Something to distract you, if you're like me and trying to escape from yourself.


Ambulette - "If You Go Away" (live) in D.C. Lyrics


12.06.2009

Attendance

Friday night was particularly awful for me. Things in discussions deteriorated and I almost completely lost it. I haven't had moments like that in a long time. It was the first time that dark thoughts crept back into my head in awhile. I tried to talk to some people but no one was awake at the time, or in a position to really help me.  This past week has been populated with increadible emotionality, drinking in excess, self medicating, and various other vices.

Hopefully next week will go better, I have two exams that should be tolerable. The third exam isn't until the following Tuesday and that is the one I'm worried about. Aside from that, things are okay I guess. I'm still trying to piece myself back together after this week. I'm not sure how long that is going to take, but seeing as most of my friends leave to go back to wherever they are from in two weeks, hopefully I can do it before then. Trying to do it without them is going to be difficult, but ..at the same time, few of them are ever really there when I need them to be.

12.03.2009

What Emotional Problems?

In an effort to provide more content, I present to you, another entry. 

Today went decently, I went to therapy to discuss everything that has been on my mind, and ended up scheduling another one right after the first one just to get things out of my head. Unfortunately she is taking 3 weeks off around Christmas, so she asked me to enter into a verbal contract (her words) in which I wouldn't do anything self destructive for the next six sessions. I agreed, and hopefully won't have to test it.

I finally got through reading Questionable Content, All 1547 issues of it. It started off as a rather obscure indie music comic but turned into a full on romantic comedy that I fell in love with. If you have about two weeks to spare reading, I highly suggest it. Now though I'm finally going to finish some novels that have been escaping me for the entire semester and summer.

I went to a Jazz Combo concert last night, and it really made me want to start playing again, but my options (much like my love life) are few and far between. If I don't dust things off they are going to start getting cobwebs.

Aside from that, no real news. My mother is being illogical. I haven't talked to my brother since last Wednesday, I'd like to go up and play some drums since I have to drive up to Austin on Friday anyway, but I'm somewhat afraid of/dissuaded from putting up with his bullshit.

I think I finally found at least one Christmas gift, ready for this? I need a small trash can for my bathroom. Yeah...that is all I have so far.

12.02.2009

RE:gressions

So where to begin, well, things have regressed a good degree. I'm going to see my therapist again tomorrow afternoon to hopefully get some things figured out. Some people I thought were good friends turned out to be either complete idiots, or completely self absorbed. Regardless, it put me in a rather bleak mental state. This bleak state depressed me as a step backwards, which only fed on itself as negativity, which...well you can see the snowball forming.

Anyway, I'm recovering from that slowly, but surely. I fear I've fallen back into a state of depression though, (staying in bed all day, not caring about things, etc). I've been asked to find things to want for Christmas, but I honestly can't bring myself enough to care about anything enough to value it, over the effort involved in unwrapping/throwing away the associated paper products. Such is the state of my being.

I'm not sure if I've talked about this, but the hormones have just about killed off all of my sex drive, which in itself is a wonderful thing for me. However, these past three weeks or so have been very heavy in the emotional trauma department. This has made me...um...well lets just say...in need. The issue is though, how to go about solving it, it isn't a physical desire anymore (where as it used to be akin to the desire to really have to pee after a large drink), but more an emotional attachment/intimacy issue. So, I've found myself inviting people over with an underlying ulterior motive on my part, though it seems to be underneath most people's radar.

Which leads me to another point: Being trans, I don't feel comfortable just hitting on anyone I see. I identify as Pan-Sexual, but that doesn't mean everyone is going to be comfortable having a trans-woman hit on them. So I basically have to wait until someone initiates things. The overall effect is that I don't have a great deal of romantic/sexual interests.

However, combined with loosing what I thought were some good friends, and not having a significant other, I feel alone a lot of the time. I don't feel there are a lot of people that are close to me. Yes I have a good amount of great friends, who have helped me immensely during this most recent crisis, but I don't feel that my relationship with them is at that close of a level. I'm wanting an intimate relationship, and no one fills that/those spots anymore.

So getting back to the main issue, this pushed me back down on the mental stability chart to violent/hysterical crying. One thing I have noticed is that while I could shrug things off, and turn most things outwards before hormones (projecting anger when hurt, though I never really did that well) now I simply absorb everything and implode from the inside out. This makes me much more unstable when running highly emotional, as some people may know already.

Anyway, onto another subject, Thanksgiving was nice. It was the first time I've had one out of the closet. Everyone was very nice and understanding. My brother was fine up until everyone left when he apparently reverted to his asshole/douche-bag self. There was an expected curtailing of pronouns and names to fit my grandmother, but they tried, and I know it is a work in progress. I just hope it isn't something I end up having to drag out of them like it seems to be on my mother's side of the family.

One important issue did arise however, one that I though previously solved. I was offered financial funding to store my sperm in case I wanted to use it later. I had previously Kiboshed the idea because I didn't have nearly the money to do so, and wanted to start on my hormones without waiting X years until I had the money. However, now that the funding has been offered by my Step-Mothers sister Janel (who I adored regardless of offer). This has reopened a door I successfully closed and trotted over on my transition process.  The main issue here is having to stop my hormones for a length of time, as it is, my sperm count is probably nigh zero. I'd give anecdotal evidence, but I don't think lurid details of my masturbatory process are desired. So I would need to stop my hormone treatment for probably at least a month, something I am reluctant to do.

I know in the long run I would appreciate having done so, but it isn't as simple as that, storing the sperm now, would mean storing chemically altered sperm, my body chemistry is no longer that of a genetic male, and thus from my research, will increase the potential for birth defects.  This brings about an ethical question, do I have any right to bring a being into the world, fully knowing that it has an increased rate of being defective because of my own personal choices? Fully knowing the other options available for child raising (adoption, etc), can I ethically go through with it?

Granted just by saving it, doesn't mean I will have to use it, but then it becomes an argument of stopping my treatments, in order to fulfill the option of a choice in the future that I don't have the moral grounds to use/excise anyway...It is an interesting debate.