A Funny Thing Happened

So, my switch side came back. I noticed this with one of my partners in the grocery store. It is a side of me that I associate highly with my strength and confidence. Since I started in a D/S relationship with one of my partners, my life has revolved around that. Naturally, like loosing my virginity, I place significance in that relationship, and its roles and meanings and health. The problem is, that relationship hasn't been healthy, or healthy for me. Falling in love for the first time, was...intense, and, I don't think I'll ever get over it. This relationship will forever be a part of me, and even if I decide that until things can be more equal, that it is best for me to move away emotionally, I will always have a deep, vested interest in that relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean we will stop being involved, or stop seeing each other.

I am a hopeless romantic, it feeds into my submissive role in a very synergistic way. In a very true sense I'm wanting someone to sweep me off my feet, to overwhelm me, to render my defenses moot. To be so amazingly intense that my defenses don't hold and I pour myself into them.

I felt a sense of this, when this relationship started, and I hold out hope that it will at some point return to that, and if it does I will with noticeable hesitation put myself in a place to experience that again.

The struggle for me, is that in falling in love, I lost myself. I have no hesitation to living a life of servitude to someone, to devoting my existence to someone. That is my Cancerian blood, and my romantic religion. It doesn't feel like slavery when you do it willingly for someone you love with the fabric of your soul.

In that devotion, it becomes hard to see life outside of that emotional orgasm overloading my senses.  In a very real sense, it becomes who I am. I did not fall in love half-hearted.

I understand, this level of emotional intensity, and commitment is not for everyone, I didn't think it was for me either, until it happened. Realize I had no plans to fall in love, or to become so devoted to the idea, to crusade for love at the expense of all aspects of myself and emotional solidarity.

The return of my switch side, is very much a symbolic return of my emotional strength of will, spirit, and solidarity. It means I'm no longer reveling in my submissive mindset. That mindset for me, is tied in with that relationship, and as long as I was enthralled with that relationship's intensity, I was enthralled in the mindset.

It means that I'm gaining my solidarity back. My strength is fickle. It comes and goes on a dime and is based very much in roots of shitty experiences, scars, internal strength of will, and emotional tempering.

Don't mistake me, however. I am very much still in love, and can be reduced and shattered without much effort by my partner. The difference now is in my strength in being able to fight those efforts for what I know is better for me.

My switch holds her strength as a tool, to be used for her will. My submissive holds her strength as a shield, to hold people back and test them. When that strength is gone she is helpless to anyone who would abuse her. Falling in love bypasses all of my known defense mechanisms, and essentially renders me enraptured and powerless.

The switch is never without power.

A Justifiable Ache

Everywhere I look I see death and horror. I check the news and see nothing but rape, murder, intolerance, "justifiable homicide". There, is an abundant amount of negative energy being pushed at me. Ejaculated onto me by the cosmic rapist that is my fate. I ache. My eyes hurt from weeping, my head aches from the weariness. I have just basic amounts of energy to do anything.

I look to people, and only find myself unwanted and pushed away. I apparently require too much time, or too much energy to be around. I am too much of a burden to people, my issues are too much to adapt or navigate around, though, I can photocopy a map of them for you.

People, move on, they live their lives, they lie, to me, and to themselves.

I am amused by how skittish and frightened my strength is. It is a lie, a mask, that I put on when I pretend to be someone I'm not. I wear it because being honest with people is too painful. Being honest with myself, is too painful. Letting people close to me has only resulted in people hurting me. Even when I try and negotiate, they hurt out of neglect, indifference, and ignorance.

I reason it away. Oh well of course, This person has this going on, that takes priority. That person is dealing with this right now, so that explains this. Another person is doing this other thing, so don't expect much, but this person had this happen, so it makes sense that this might happen.

Everyone has a reason, an explanation, it all makes sense. Hurting someone is justifiable when they mean nothing to you. But hey, simply say you're sorry and everything is alright. Right as rain. Reign over me. April showers bring may flowers, yet, it is June now and I still don't have an umbrella.

I have endless reasons to leave, yet I can't find the motivation to rip out a kidney. Do I keep it, letting it poison me in the hopes it will heal one day. Or do I remove it, and go on forever damaged and impaired. Memories are a comfort, but, regret is not.