Breathing

So a bit of an entry that is across the board:

One a note, I got my graduate application turned in, and should know by early next week. I turned it in to the office in pseudo drag. While it isn't overtly female, the attire is purely from the girly section, and the lady who took my application told me I looked sharp. So, that always helps.

Ordered my graduation invitations to, so that will be nice, now to just figure out what I'm inviting people to lol. I'm still working on the fine details and such.

I also am starting to work on my voice, youtube has some great resources surprisingly, so I will keep you updated on that front.

So, all this is a bit of puffery, the real entry is about my latest romance, and how..I don't think I am going to continue it. It isn't that we aren't compatible, but it messes with my head to much for me to continue, and I'm not canceling the whole endeavor, just...slowing things down, or pausing them.

Perhaps things just got a bit to ..serious to quickly, but I shouldn't feel as uneasy about it as I do.

Of course, now I just have to tell her this...

I told my therapist about it, and how it has made me loose my grounding on my issues, and that so much of who I am is invested in being a transsexual woman, that when I loose track of it, it feels very emptying.  That worried her, as it does me.

Ponderings & Procrastination

Well, I've been procrastinating my essay, but it is the weekend, so its justifiable.

Some things that have been on my mind however, are bothering me, and so I thought I would express them here.

I've been somewhat seeing a GG (genuine/genetic girl) for about a week or so now, and we get along well and all that. I have yet to mention being trans to her yet though. She has seen my shoes and knows something is...odd/off, but I think we are both just taking it as it comes so far. While that has been on my mind, it isn't what has been bothering me.

The main issue is that, repeatedly, whenever I enter into a relationship with someone, my gender dysphoria seems to lessen. Perhaps that isn't the correct term. In terms of life satisfaction, obviously it has improved with finding someone to be with. However, something feels off. A common default mode of mine appears to be a sullen apathetic cynicism. It promotes this, dogmatic, fatalistic view of my end goals. While this is a..negative place to be, it is common, comfortable, and stable for me.

So when something adjust my disposition a bit, it feels off, and I don't know where the adjustment came from, so I loose sight of where I am. It is all very chaotic. 

I now struggle with finding where my grounding is, in relation to my depression, loneliness, and dysphoria. Since this dysphoria is so much of who I am, when I loose my grounding, I in essence loose my bearings on my problems. So, I guess the issue now is to find out where my grounding is, where, and who I am in this space, at this moment. That my friends, is as always easier said than done. Especially when I still have a graduate essay to write.

Little Black Dresses

A bit of a rant, but I was looking through some dresses earlier, and got about half way down a page when I had to stop. I knew that i kept at it I would end up crying again, and I'm trying to avoid that. The fatalism that accompanies this seems to haunt me. It aids in the depression.  One of the reasons I'm anxious to start doing things is because it seems I'll never get to where I want to be. I know it is a slow process, and that is one reason why it seems so impossible.

"Get busy living, or get busy dieing"

I can't remember where that quote is from, but it rings true in these circumstances. It seems everyday that I don't do something to move in one direction, I'm dragged father in the other. At least now I've gotten some breathing room from school, not much, but at least some. A little time to relax can do wonders, but I don't think it will make looking at dresses any easier. It sure doesn't help with the fatalism anyways, and its good sidekick depression. With their oh so clever and undeniable mantras of "never be" and "so why bother".

Sigh. Remind me to think about anti-depressants when I actually get time to think.

Biological Warfare

I've been studying for an exam tomorrow off/on all day today, and getting online now and then to check my mail etc. Anyways, this oncoming rant occurred to me after a girl I knew in High School saw one of my pictures and asked why I was in a dress. (its a good photo of me, and one I actually like enough to leave online).

I am going to have to kill myself. Not in the literal sense of suicide, but in the identity aspect. I am going to have to end my relationships with everyone I know (those who doesn't know about being trans already). For example, this girl who commented, I am going to have to either stop talking to her all together, or tell her. Since I don't really know her all that well, it will most likely be that I stop talking to her. In essence, I have to rid the world of the person I was/am most known as, and take that person's place as who I am now.

Perhaps psychological warfare would have been a more apt title, but I digress.

I wish it were as easy as simply shanking that identity, but unfortunately there is a physical manifestation that must accompany it, and so far, that manifestation is slow going. Hopefully I can start get ridding of things relatively soon. As distressing as killing off relationships will be, I have to make that sacrifice.

I am more than eager to stab the male identity of me in the heart repeatedly, with much disdain and prejudice.

News: Rants & Raves

Found some good articles online today, good reads:

The Crude oil Illusion - 500 dollar oil not far out. & How we became the United States of France

Both are from trusted sources, CNN and TIME are usually pretty bi-partisan. Regardless, both are lengthy reads but very good. Similar to a lot of the rants that I've been making to others around here, but you know, no one listens to me.

That said, I think I'm about done with politics, I'm just to tired of the competitive bash-a-thon "debates" that take place between misinformed zealots who can't approach a concept with an open mind, or separate themselves from their beliefs.

Anyways, I've got a lot to do in the next week, at least two more tests, one assigment, one essay, and an ungodly amount of reading to prepare for said test. *sigh* a womans work is never done.

Come Together

Well I finally went out and bought a desk, Note to Ikea: restock more often.

I should have been studying for a class, and finishing my essays, but I got caught up installing linux on my desktop and making it all...pretty. At least now I can actually sit down and concentrate (to an extent). So it is all coming together, slowly, but surely. By the time I finally get settled in here I'll have to move again.

Oh I got my second exam back, and did surprisingly better than I thought, always nice. I did finally get around to finishing one my essays, though It still needs to be proof read and such. At least the hard part is over. I still however have to write the second one by next week in order to meet the deadline.  Once I can get over this hurdle I should be able to relax...relatively. Three more months is all I have left as an undergraduate. Seems they decided to place all the work load in the last semester.

Painting by numbers, A note on depression.

Depression isn't being sad, and it isn't emotional. It is more a neutral, than anything else. Where as a normal person may have ups and downs, depression is more just a slow wave of apathy and sullen melancholy that encompasses your entire being.

I was recently offered the option of being on medication for my depression. I'm not sure that is something I want to do. I don't really care to much for the idea of altering my brain chemistry. As strange and demented as it is, it is familiar, and stable. Yes I have my lows, but I know them, and at this point I think stability is more important than a pill to take to level me out so to speak. No, at this point depression medication seems a temporary solution to a more pressing concern, and I think treating the the disease is more important than the symptoms.

Dealing in Absolute

So I've decided to star this blog in an effort to sort out and help others sort out aspects of their lives. I may add a backlog of older posts, but at this point in time I don't think that will happen.
Since this will predominantly be dealing with my life, it will have some personal information, but not always. I'll be posting my regular journal entries, along with whatever strikes my fancy.

But for now, a general list of subjects this will cover: Trans sexuality (predominantly), College life (for the time being), music, art, techno babble, rants/raves, photography, cold media, eastern philosophies and their lack of real world practicality, and a shmorgazboard of dozens of other potential fancies that may or may not strike.

So stay tuned, I've got much more..editing to do to get this up and running but it is, what it is, at the moment.