All in all, the holidays weren't to bad. I managed to get some things I needed, a few I didn't, but a decent haul that makes life a bit better. One of the main detractors was that I won't be able to go on my vacation to Colorado since I can't find people to come with me. I am sure as hell not going up there by myself, and those who have the money don't have the time. I really needed to get away from things but...I don't see any real way of doing that except for just distance and time.
The week was a mix of pronouns and names for me. Something that will hopefully be better next year.
My emotions have been all over the place lately, I've been letting my depression seep into times when I would normally hide it. My mom noticed, though quickly dismissed. It's unusual, but then, I feel a growing awareness of my being jaded towards relationships. Given the recent events, I don't see that as a surprise. I worry about how things will be after graduation. Loneliness is always something I've struggled with, and I don't see THAT getting better anytime soon. I'm somewhat afraid that things will just get more and more extreme until I end up in a dangerous situation.
I'd originally typed out a long thing about my relationships, and remembering (un)fulfilling ones. But, every relationship has its fruit to bare.
It seems my sadness and anger over recent past events has subsided now to just a slow depression and pessimism that haunts everything I do. It sucks, but at least it is familiar. I at times get urges to write to my ex about hir perception of our relationship, and it not being favorable of me, but...then I just wonder what the point would be. Which is the question that I'm now forced to ask of everything I do.
Side note: I'm also trying very hard to remain sober, I'll keep you updated on this bit.
The week was a mix of pronouns and names for me. Something that will hopefully be better next year.
My emotions have been all over the place lately, I've been letting my depression seep into times when I would normally hide it. My mom noticed, though quickly dismissed. It's unusual, but then, I feel a growing awareness of my being jaded towards relationships. Given the recent events, I don't see that as a surprise. I worry about how things will be after graduation. Loneliness is always something I've struggled with, and I don't see THAT getting better anytime soon. I'm somewhat afraid that things will just get more and more extreme until I end up in a dangerous situation.
I'd originally typed out a long thing about my relationships, and remembering (un)fulfilling ones. But, every relationship has its fruit to bare.
It seems my sadness and anger over recent past events has subsided now to just a slow depression and pessimism that haunts everything I do. It sucks, but at least it is familiar. I at times get urges to write to my ex about hir perception of our relationship, and it not being favorable of me, but...then I just wonder what the point would be. Which is the question that I'm now forced to ask of everything I do.
Side note: I'm also trying very hard to remain sober, I'll keep you updated on this bit.
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