1.20.2009

Some are Lakes

This entry has been brought to my attention by my apparent emotional
fragility. What I find interesting is just how apt to mood swings I am
when alone. If I'm in the company of someone these are usually censored
out somewhat, to that I feel at least somewhat constant.



However, listening to the new Land of Talk album, I've gone from a low,
to a nice mellow warmth, almost as if I'd consumed some alcohol to get
that first glowing warmth from inside.



None of which would be possible if my roommate were still
here...interesting. It makes me wonder to what extent I subconsciously
control the magnification of my emotions.



A second thought, is to what extent I am simply hiding them under the
gender stereotype that males aren't supposed to express emotion
(granted I hardly fall into that category [ in mindset anyways{ for
now}]) and that I wait to express them to myself when I'm alone...interesting thoughts.

1.06.2009

Sob Stories

Well, I will start with the holidays, now that they are finally over at least. It was overall pleasant, but long as always. It was the first holiday with my family knowing about being trans. I got some nice things, and some of it being female was always a nice change from the routine. My father got me a pendant in particular that I liked, it was a representation of the three phases of womanhood (young/mature/old) and that meant a lot to me.

After that, I went back home, then to Austin to celebrate New Years at a friend of mines, the alcohol flowed, and my mood declined as usual. I did Christmas again the next day but with my mother's side. Fun again, but I can only take so much of her mother before I start to get my fill.

So that was the holidays, another year gone, It is easy for me to underwrite everything i've done this year, and stick to my fatalistic and cynical guns. It is something I fight against, but it sneaks up on me.

My father wants me to start seeing a specialist, which is fine with me, and might get me on hormones all that much faster (I want to start before my birthday in July). The only problem is going to be finding the funds to do so, in which, I'm currently unemployed and living off my savings. I didn't get the graduate assistant job I was wanting, but i'm still looking around for what I can find. If I watch my spending I can theoretically last the entire semester without a job, it just won't be any fun. I've already had to deal with spending a lot more than I had entended with christmas and other expenses that popped up. I've slowed my electrolysis to bi-monthly and even then I may slow it down again if I have to. Hopefully, however, I can find something decent to at least get me by.

Mentally, i'm everywhere. Well, not everywhere, i'm not hitting the stratosphere at all, but the lows are there, as always. I had some pretty bad times these past couple days, it comes with being alone all the time. That is just how it is. Well now that I have significantly bummed myself out again, I shall part ways. Adieu Adieu.