11.27.2008

On Libido Destruction

So I wanted to write this entry to talk about libido, hormones, and the resulting effect and desire of each.

Basically, I think as most well admit, young males tend to have very active libidos. This is fine for most of them, it doesn't quite work as well in my situation condition. In short, it is killing me.

I know that may sound a bit dramatic, but it is very true. One of the main reasons I'm wanting to start taking hormones and beginning that transition is that it effectively halts a male libido. Having to deal with these urges leads to some very unpleasant, violent, and self destructive tendencies. If anything is going to send me over the edge, it is going to be that.

While there are pleasant side effects to taking hormones, most of those only come with long term use (most won't see breast development until around the one year mark). This is the main immediate effect I am looking for (libido reduction not breast development).

At times I don't think people really grasp how deep my hatred for this organ goes. It is the bane of my existence. It isn't a matter of "not being happy" with it, it isn't a cosmetic thing, it isn't that I would like to change it in some form, I would like nothing more than to take a knife to it and be rid of it. Unfortunately, It is needed for future surgeries to be successful. So my hope is that hormones will lower my ..distaste for the organ enough to tolerate it.

On that cheery note, I leave you, I'm still pondering over what to do about telling my father, and the holidays and all that mess, rest assured I will let you all know...just as soon as I do.

11.23.2008

A Thanksgiving week Update and reflection on the year past.

Well, being thanksgiving, I decided to get a bit reminiscent of all the things I've done, so far, this year.

But before I do that, lets get caught up to speed. My classes are winding down, I've got two finals, and two projects to finish up until I graduate. It will be interesting to see where life goes after this, though I have a pretty good idea of what is around the corner. Mainly more school and finding employment.

My depression has somewhat been evaded, in that I've been pretty successfully distracting myself with either school, social events, or just being plugged into the net/computer.

Thursday was Transgender day of Remembrance. I went with Scott up to Austin to the ceremony there. 27 people were murdered this year...over two per month, murdered because of who they were. It was pretty heartbreaking.

So, onto the main point of this entry, the year past...

Winter:
Well, I had my crash in January which was the low point in my life so far in regards to depression and suicidal tendencies. From there, I talked to some friends of mine about just life in general (still wasn't talking about being trans at that point to most).

Spring:

In March (at least I want to say it was March, it might have been later in the spring) I told my mom, which wasn't easy as she was the first person of my immediate family who I told. It didn't go..quite as I had planned, but it still went relatively well.

I started going to Therapy in May, which has been a tremendous help, At times I wish it would go faster in regards to where I am, but I think its important to take things as they come.

Summer:
I moved down to Houston for the summer, which was a mixed bag. On the one hand I needed the money to pay for other things, on the other it is like living in a guest house for three months, in that you never really feel like it is home. Not because of my parents mind you, just with neither of them knowing (at the time) it can feel a bit confining and repressive having to watch all of your actions (not that I tried very hard this time).

But not was all bad, I did get closer to Marisa who is a great friend of mine. I bought a new guitar (finally a decent 6 string), and did a lot of soul searching on what I want in terms of a career.

Towards the end I moved back to San Marcos, I moved in with Tony who is a good friend of mine, and has proven to be a pretty good roommate.

I started up therapy again (had a brief intermission while I was down in Houston).

I also told some other friends of mine, all of which have been supportive.

Fall:
School started back up, busier than most semesters, but that is to be expected.

I began buying more clothes and shoes to increase my femme wardrobe, including make up and the rest.

Started electrolysis on my neck and facial hair (shaving is for the birds).

I told my step-mom in a rather impersonal series of emails, while I was less apprehensive about her reaction as she is much more liberal/open-minded in my experience than my biological parents. She was understanding, curious (as most people are) and supportive, to which I am grateful.

I also told my brother, in an even more impersonal text message. I was driving back from electrolysis and randomly told him what was going on. I don't know why I got the urge, but I'm glad the weight is off my shoulders about him. He was cool about it (literally in that he didn't seem to have an opinion one way or the other, although he was supportive) but that is normal for him.

Current:
Well I suppose that is a brief overview of what I have done over the year. I know some of you are probably wondering about the key immediate family member I left out, my father, and where he fits into this. Well I haven't told him yet, I plan to do it around Christmas time as that is the next time I will see him, but I haven't exactly decided on the details of it.

Graduation is around the corner, and I'm excited to get that degree, while I am set to go for my masters, it is still a big accomplishment to finish this.

I'm anxious to see where the next year gets me, I'm wanting to start HRT as soon as possible, though I know my mother has her concerns regarding grandchildren, though they are more HER concerns than mine. Along with continuning the transition process, but the next big step is to tell my father, and get the core family completely on board..to some extent or another.

11.10.2008

On Depression and understanding

Well, what can I say, I know a trans woman being depressed isn't exactly daring writing, but it is my life so, I dish it out as it comes. So, i'm trying to keep my fatalism and cynicism in check, but my main fear is that the end result of this journey will see me still unconfident in my appearance. I know I shouldn't worry about it, but there isn't much I can do but worry. I'm wanting to start HRT as soon as possible to see its results and one of the downsides of that is that it pushes me out of the safety zone. While I'm wanting that, it is also quite scarey, especially at the time and place I am at in life. I know I can probably hide the results for awhile, but I just don't know what the world is going to throw at me.

In other areas, I think some people still just don't have a good understanding of my motivations, I've been getting a lot of questions as to my capability to make life altering decisions. I counter this by saying at what point ARE you ready to make those decisions. Anyways, it is just going to come down to me taking more time to explain it to everyone who wants to question me. Not that it will change my mind or my plan, but it's important for them to understand.

11.04.2008

On the election

Well I am quite happy with the turnout, This is the first in a long step towards equal rights for us trans folk, and the further back into the recesses of those old church pews the Neo-Conservatives are pushed the better my life becomes.

This was a pivotal moment for us, the younger generation, to show that we do have a voice, and that if you listen to us, you can gain our support. I think that future elections will have to at least address our causes and concerns as time goes on. There was a big risk of the youth vote not turning out, and perhaps loosing a political voice for the next two decades at least. They did however, show up, and in record numbers. I am quite  proud of the younger generation, and I feel this is a great moment in history.