Being officially fall here, thankfully, my mood has somewhat abated. It is still a sporadic thing however whenever the moods do strike. Often they hit over the smallest of triggers, the latest being a computer illustration of a new GLBT center going up in some latin american country. That in itself was fine with me, but the corner was illustrated a cute lesbian couple, and that did it. So far my self imposed guidlines have worked out and I've managed any further bloodshed at the cost of starting up therapy again. I've wanted to, but I also want to try and go without therapy at the moment. I'm sure it could do me some good, it always does, but I need to learn to deal with these things on my own. It is also a financial burden that I don't need at the moment. While my family has offered to pay for it, it isn't a burden they can easily accept either.
Which brings me to both my family and financial situations. Fincially, I'm just about tapped for resources, and had it not been for a friend of mine offereing me a room with him when he moves into the city, I would be in much more dire straights. As it stands living rent free will hopefully be good enough for me until I can find a position on my own. When and If that ever happens is anyones guess. Needless to say my situatoin is going to become much more tense than I am used to, as I haven't lived with anyone for a few years now. Still, it is better than returning to Texas. The thought has been brought up to me by my parents, though I refuse to end up in a worse place, with just as aweful of job prospects and even worse living situations.
My connection to my family is even now eroding even thinner. They find it nigh impossible to be honest with me. My mother in particular refuses this even when I and my brother call her on her being two faced. Why they find it so hard to simply be honest with me is unknown to me. I suppose they believe being so far away I'll simply choose to not deal with them if they upset me. What they don't realize though is that being honest with me is the best way to deal with me and best way to avoid me being pissed off. I always eventually find out what they think/believe anyway, so they do themselves no favors by not telling me things themselves.
Still, there is simply so much distance between them and myself that I refuse to tolerate their bullshit. This is a complete contrast to my good friends that I left back in Texas. The idea of celebrating with them instead is one that I welcome greatly, but I'm sure they all have families they wish to be with for the holidays. Either way, it will be the first christmas that I've been away from my brother, and I think that bothers me more so than not getting any material things or not being with my parents. Unfortunatly, I see our relationship growing to that of my father and his brother, they only talk on rare occasions, and are vastly different people who aren't very close. I hate that idea, but try as I might I can't bring him to care about me, or have an interest in my life. In total it simply feels like he doesn't value our relationship at all. While, that is tolerable for a time, there comes a point where it simply isn't worth fighting for anymore. I have enough problems finding motivatoin to fight for things as it is, let alone things that actively discourage me.
Still, leaves are changing, the city is beautiful in the rain, I have as much social energy to leach off of at local coffee shops as I can desire, and warm drinks help keep the bitter loneliness out of my insides for a time.
