Re:solvent

Apparently I have the resolve of lukewarm ice-cream. Earlier today I had a conversation with my ex about some shoes that I thought she would like, which led to a thought about getting any Christmas presents for her. My first reaction was strongly negative given everything that has happened between us lately. Though I ended up getting her something anyway. I'm not all together comfortable with the current situation, but there isn't much that is going to change that. While I did visit her the other day, it wasn't something...natural. It was very much forced relaxation on my part, and a constant effort to not think about the recent events. One of the things that bothered me was seeing little touches of her new interest all over the place. While that was somewhat of basically a confirmation, it isn't anything that was unknown before hand.

Which leaves me wondering what the point is. What do I expect to gain from all of this? I've learned of her indifference towards me, so what is with the urge to give something. More importantly, what do I want to say with it. Well, I have an idea of that, but...why bother.

It's times like this that make me want to just shrivel up, lay in bed, and slowly rot to death. The worst bit, is that I find myself reaching out to past interests when I would normally not bother, for the sake of filling the void. Relationships that may very well have some substance in them, but would be tainted and colored by this aspect.

I find myself withdrawing into seclusion again, falling into a emotional trap that I know there isn't an outlet for that doesn't involve some ugly situation and emotions. I've already gone through once this month, I'm not sure doing it again is going to be healthy.