Here we are yet again. Pushing myself to write in order to try and get some sort of feeling again. Not, coincidentally enough, long after another letter from my dad. I'm not sold on what to do just yet about it, and if it is worth bothering to respond or deflect once again. The fact that the letters come off as emotionally manipulative has led me to liken them to an ex boyfriend who refuses to give up the ghost. He's not willing to meet me on my terms, but insisting that what we had was some amazing relationship.
I've babbled on enough before about that though, and how unwarranted that position is, and how hypocritical it is and I'm so very tired of it all. I'm tired of just about everything these days. I've seen my tolerance for being compelled to work to pay money into someone else's rent seeking bullshit decrease. Maybe it's just watching capitalism's slow cannibalization of our planet and conveyor belt sushi line style march of humanity towards it's own destruction that has soured me on the idea.
I see the rise of leftist politics on YouTube, and it's a nice change of pace, but I can't help but feel it's far too little to late to make a difference. I fight everyday against that notion and the urge, the idea that this is all pointless, despite knowing deep down that it is. That is my background radiation, and it makes it hard to justify putting up with even the slightest injury or inconvenience.
I'm not sure if that is why I haven't been writing. If it's just easier to compartmentalize emotions and go about my normal day of escapism and entertainment. I know it is, obviously, as who can live with the slow death of watching the world eat itself to death. I guess I sit here and second guess what I'm doing. Maybe I'm losing touch with reality in exchange, as I just.can't handle what the world is or what my life is.. So it's escapism or delusion.
Forgive the rambling. I've always struggled with my purpose and feeling like anything I did was of use or meaningful in anyway. I've spent so long in school and in life just preparing myself to get by in capitalism, just trying to be self sufficient. I am, more or less, at that point now. But it all just feels like treading water with no real aim at a direction or goal, and I see thousands of other people, all treating water, and they all seem to be going somewhere, or content I guess, and no one tells me where they are going or how to get there.
Sometimes I wonder just how much time I've spent staring at a screen, writing out thoughts, just...waiting, waiting for things to get better, for the world to make sense, and it just...never does.
I'll try to write more.
