Experiences

Another update, If I keep this up, I may just have a whole recurring thing going here.

So, I was asked today whether I enjoyed my previous sexual encounters with my female partners. It's an ...interesting disturbing question to answer though. In my experience, basically, no. I mean, yes the physical pleasure is there, but I was always so caught up on being able to satisfy that I was never able to enjoy it myself (aside from the obvious reasons). There are exceptions to this of course, there are about 1-3 times that I can remember where the bond with the other person overwhelming, and I still look for that sensation, though..it is somewhat...elusive.

Which brings me to tonight. I have an interesting situation with a friend of mine. We get together and occasionally roll around and get somewhat physical. It never goes very too far, so it is mostly innocent... Well, mostly. Anyway, we engaged in this behavior tonight for a good three hours or so (my legs still shake), I need hir to give notes to whoever I date next, but when I was leaving I got a very strange sensation. It isn't natural for me to have an emotion that I can't name or place...but strange is all I've been able to come up with. It isn't a relationship issue because we aren't involved, nor do I think we would desire to be, so I'm not sure what to make of it. It wasn't guilt or shame, or anything like that...very puzzling.

I'm coming up on the two year anniversary of my crash. January of 2008. In a way I did end my life. I ended my life as I knew it, and began this journey, or at least the road to it. Looking back, it seems obvious to say I should have done this long ago...but, that trivializes my gains. I had no idea how things were going to work out. I had just moved to a new city, I had no good friends, no intimate relationships, and an restless desire to not be who I was. The scary part of that month, wasn't the actual act that started it, it was the fear (and a friend of mine who was there at the time, and now a tremendous friend) of what I might do the next day. It's quite a thing to be legitimately scared of yourself, and what you might do. I want to get my friend's thoughts on that time period soon and see what she remembers. Though that may be more of a January entry.