In a recent discussion with my therapist, the idea was putout that as children, we can adopt an idea into our beliefs that can be very hard to break from. These will stick with us, regardless of the idea, or its merits, for a long time.
It has been a unconscious habit of mine for a long time to reinforce negative ideas and thoughts about things I'm insecure about. For example with my previous relationship, in trying to move on from the final break up I'd often find myself thinking about what she was doing. This would usually happen while zoning out, or distracting my waking/cognitive mind with something easy/repetitive like games of minesweeper, that I can do with my brain half turned off. The other half, is just sort of free to think and ponder about whatever comes to it.
The negative aspects, are what comes to it. They are images of things that upset me. At the time, I'd get images of my ex out having fantastic sex with someone else, or simply having an awesome time in spite of me. These images are all false, and reasonably/logically I can sit and say I know in all likelihood that they aren't real. I know this because no one's life is as perfect and hassle free or amazing as they are when I imagine them. I know it's a fantasy designed to torment me.
Which brought out the question why do these images come up, why do I unconsciously bring these awful hurtful images up into my mind, and then refuse to let go of them as being a hurtful fantasy. It's like a terrible smell that you end up going to sample again and again.
I've been getting these more now, as of recent, though granted with my current relationship.
In looking at the root theme of these images/ideas, they all revolve around the idea that "I don't matter". They have awesome sex because my feelings "don't matter" to them, or, she's off having an amazing time and not thinking of me because "I don't matter", for example.
I know these things aren't true, but they flash in my head and in my eyes and are very difficult to remove.
But that's where we can start to dig a bit deeper. The images, are consistently throughout my life. With my previous relationship, and numerous other ones growing up. The root of it all has been "I don't matter". That is the source of my insecurity.
Searching for that, from the start, I find that it even existed in my childhood, with my parents. I never came out/attempted to talk to them about being trans because it was a non-issue. It never occurred to me to do so (that I can remember). Why would they have an opinion, "I don't matter" so what I want is irrelevant. I didn't feel important enough in their lives to warrant having them care about my problems.
That compounded when in later years the family fell apart as my father first left sporadically, then emotionally, and my mother coped into/with her depression and sleep. Neither of which helped ease my insecurity of being irrelevant, and neglected.
I remember I used to fight with them over things, I'd argue my point over and over, until they finally gave in, and then I'd immediately reverse and say it was fine. I felt so guilty for it, that it wasn't worth whatever the argument was over. This is another way I learned that I didn't matter. When asking for something was met with guilt.
No wonder I never tried to talk to them.
It also explains why I struggle so badly in dealing with partners who aren't around, or are uncommunicative. I can tolerate physical absence, but when it gets coupled with a lack of communication I start to feel like "I don't matter", and it causes and exceedingly unpleasant reaction. My unconscious, then looks to go and reinforce that feeling, since it is what it expects.
It puts a new frame around just how much emotional neglect has fucked me up in the past.
Still, at least knowing that this unconscious bias to prove/reinforce the idea that "I don't matter" to myself exists, I can begin to work to understand and realize the effect it has on me, and how it might be influencing me.
