12.21.2015

Tried and True, Black and Blue.

Apologies for the lack of updates given the drastic nature of my last post. I'm not sure, really, where or how to begin. I've started medication for my depression, which, truth be told, has helped. It cuts out the extreme lows that are normally crippling and dehumanizing. That being said, I still feel the limitation on my emotional range. A large part of me resents that, and wants the full spectrum of my emotions back. I feel in some regards bound, and unable to stretch that capacity. I realize at this point that's likely for the best, but not being to stretch still feels uncomfortable for me.

I've set a soft limit for the first of the year to start getting things back on track. It's a bit silly to attempt to do so during the holiday season and all. Plus it marks a natural starting point with the season, and I've always been big on important dates. Not that finding a job will inherently fix my life, but it's a chore I need to do regardless. If I can manage to do that while also keeping up my writing, I might actually find something worthwhile. Though, the cynic in me is doubtful.

The other bit of news is that I started dating someone. Rather that elucidate my otherwise somber entry with the glowing reports of her, I'll truncate it by saying that it's a bright spot of happiness at the moment that stands in stark contrast to the past few months.

I'm sure there will be more to elaborate as her and I form stronger bonds and begin a D/S style dynamic that has been missing from my life for the better part of three years. The symbolism of this starting also around the turn of the year isn't lost on me. I'm trying not to look to hard into the cyclical nature of these things, but being aware of them isn't terrible. It is nice to feel romantically fulfilled again though. Incredibly nice.

There feels like a lot of emotional expression that's being repressed by the medication. So much water held back by chemical bonded damns. I'm going back to Austin to visit my family the week of New Years. I'm not terrible fond of air travel this time of year, but felt a bit obligated given how much my parents have done for me this year. Obligated, but also thankful. Hearing the excitement in my mothers voice was nice.

The bridging sentiment of the two subjects is that in my trip down, I'm hoping to visit my grandmother's grave for the first time. I've yet to really sit down and process the grief from that. Partially because I was so distant when it happened, and so enthralled into my own life (for understandable reasons). I told my dad to go and process while I was there, as it was what he needed. I wanted to make my peace with her when I could. I've yet to really sit down in do so. This, in theory, should be the first time I'll get a chance to.

Part of me is worried that the experience will be compromised if I continue my medication. I don't really have the option to stop, but the thought is unpleasing. Even in writing this, as I begin to tap back into my emotional observation I see the lows ebbing back in like the tide. Which makes me wonder just how strong of a sea wall the medication is. I want to smash the remnants of whatever puny settlement has erected walls in defiance of my Neptunian emotional waves. I hate feeling so limited, but I know it's incredibly unsafe for me to be unmedicated.

When I wake in the morning is a good indication of this. In the twenty or so minutes between waking, and getting myself out of bed, I'm filled with remarkably strong ruminating thoughts of self harm, death, and suicide. I get incredibly low and angry at the fact that I even woke up to begin with, and am stuck facing another day of this life. These usually subside as I wake and eat, and distract as the day requires of me. The medication can typically push these out of mind as well. It also seems to be helping with the derealization problems also, though those periods are likely to reignite the moment my intense lows return. Even in writing this, and observing where my emotional state is when I sit down to analyze it, the overwhelming capacity of the depression is astonishing. I can almost feel it drain the energy from me in real time.

Writing this in a way feels like stretching all those old depressive muscles, it's relaxing in a way, but also calming in a strange way. It's reassuringly familiar in its sadness. It's been far too long since I've cried.

Still, this week has been nice, and staying with old friends again is helpful, and this holiday should hopefully be a nice one with much celebration with my chosen family.