So where to begin, well, things have regressed a good degree. I'm going to see my therapist again tomorrow afternoon to hopefully get some things figured out. Some people I thought were good friends turned out to be either complete idiots, or completely self absorbed. Regardless, it put me in a rather bleak mental state. This bleak state depressed me as a step backwards, which only fed on itself as negativity, which...well you can see the snowball forming.
Anyway, I'm recovering from that slowly, but surely. I fear I've fallen back into a state of depression though, (staying in bed all day, not caring about things, etc). I've been asked to find things to want for Christmas, but I honestly can't bring myself enough to care about anything enough to value it, over the effort involved in unwrapping/throwing away the associated paper products. Such is the state of my being.
I'm not sure if I've talked about this, but the hormones have just about killed off all of my sex drive, which in itself is a wonderful thing for me. However, these past three weeks or so have been very heavy in the emotional trauma department. This has made me...um...well lets just say...in need. The issue is though, how to go about solving it, it isn't a physical desire anymore (where as it used to be akin to the desire to really have to pee after a large drink), but more an emotional attachment/intimacy issue. So, I've found myself inviting people over with an underlying ulterior motive on my part, though it seems to be underneath most people's radar.
Which leads me to another point: Being trans, I don't feel comfortable just hitting on anyone I see. I identify as Pan-Sexual, but that doesn't mean everyone is going to be comfortable having a trans-woman hit on them. So I basically have to wait until someone initiates things. The overall effect is that I don't have a great deal of romantic/sexual interests.
However, combined with loosing what I thought were some good friends, and not having a significant other, I feel alone a lot of the time. I don't feel there are a lot of people that are close to me. Yes I have a good amount of great friends, who have helped me immensely during this most recent crisis, but I don't feel that my relationship with them is at that close of a level. I'm wanting an intimate relationship, and no one fills that/those spots anymore.
So getting back to the main issue, this pushed me back down on the mental stability chart to violent/hysterical crying. One thing I have noticed is that while I could shrug things off, and turn most things outwards before hormones (projecting anger when hurt, though I never really did that well) now I simply absorb everything and implode from the inside out. This makes me much more unstable when running highly emotional, as some people may know already.
Anyway, onto another subject, Thanksgiving was nice. It was the first time I've had one out of the closet. Everyone was very nice and understanding. My brother was fine up until everyone left when he apparently reverted to his asshole/douche-bag self. There was an expected curtailing of pronouns and names to fit my grandmother, but they tried, and I know it is a work in progress. I just hope it isn't something I end up having to drag out of them like it seems to be on my mother's side of the family.
One important issue did arise however, one that I though previously solved. I was offered financial funding to store my sperm in case I wanted to use it later. I had previously Kiboshed the idea because I didn't have nearly the money to do so, and wanted to start on my hormones without waiting X years until I had the money. However, now that the funding has been offered by my Step-Mothers sister Janel (who I adored regardless of offer). This has reopened a door I successfully closed and trotted over on my transition process. The main issue here is having to stop my hormones for a length of time, as it is, my sperm count is probably nigh zero. I'd give anecdotal evidence, but I don't think lurid details of my masturbatory process are desired. So I would need to stop my hormone treatment for probably at least a month, something I am reluctant to do.
I know in the long run I would appreciate having done so, but it isn't as simple as that, storing the sperm now, would mean storing chemically altered sperm, my body chemistry is no longer that of a genetic male, and thus from my research, will increase the potential for birth defects. This brings about an ethical question, do I have any right to bring a being into the world, fully knowing that it has an increased rate of being defective because of my own personal choices? Fully knowing the other options available for child raising (adoption, etc), can I ethically go through with it?
Granted just by saving it, doesn't mean I will have to use it, but then it becomes an argument of stopping my treatments, in order to fulfill the option of a choice in the future that I don't have the moral grounds to use/excise anyway...It is an interesting debate.
Anyway, I'm recovering from that slowly, but surely. I fear I've fallen back into a state of depression though, (staying in bed all day, not caring about things, etc). I've been asked to find things to want for Christmas, but I honestly can't bring myself enough to care about anything enough to value it, over the effort involved in unwrapping/throwing away the associated paper products. Such is the state of my being.
I'm not sure if I've talked about this, but the hormones have just about killed off all of my sex drive, which in itself is a wonderful thing for me. However, these past three weeks or so have been very heavy in the emotional trauma department. This has made me...um...well lets just say...in need. The issue is though, how to go about solving it, it isn't a physical desire anymore (where as it used to be akin to the desire to really have to pee after a large drink), but more an emotional attachment/intimacy issue. So, I've found myself inviting people over with an underlying ulterior motive on my part, though it seems to be underneath most people's radar.
Which leads me to another point: Being trans, I don't feel comfortable just hitting on anyone I see. I identify as Pan-Sexual, but that doesn't mean everyone is going to be comfortable having a trans-woman hit on them. So I basically have to wait until someone initiates things. The overall effect is that I don't have a great deal of romantic/sexual interests.
However, combined with loosing what I thought were some good friends, and not having a significant other, I feel alone a lot of the time. I don't feel there are a lot of people that are close to me. Yes I have a good amount of great friends, who have helped me immensely during this most recent crisis, but I don't feel that my relationship with them is at that close of a level. I'm wanting an intimate relationship, and no one fills that/those spots anymore.
So getting back to the main issue, this pushed me back down on the mental stability chart to violent/hysterical crying. One thing I have noticed is that while I could shrug things off, and turn most things outwards before hormones (projecting anger when hurt, though I never really did that well) now I simply absorb everything and implode from the inside out. This makes me much more unstable when running highly emotional, as some people may know already.
Anyway, onto another subject, Thanksgiving was nice. It was the first time I've had one out of the closet. Everyone was very nice and understanding. My brother was fine up until everyone left when he apparently reverted to his asshole/douche-bag self. There was an expected curtailing of pronouns and names to fit my grandmother, but they tried, and I know it is a work in progress. I just hope it isn't something I end up having to drag out of them like it seems to be on my mother's side of the family.
One important issue did arise however, one that I though previously solved. I was offered financial funding to store my sperm in case I wanted to use it later. I had previously Kiboshed the idea because I didn't have nearly the money to do so, and wanted to start on my hormones without waiting X years until I had the money. However, now that the funding has been offered by my Step-Mothers sister Janel (who I adored regardless of offer). This has reopened a door I successfully closed and trotted over on my transition process. The main issue here is having to stop my hormones for a length of time, as it is, my sperm count is probably nigh zero. I'd give anecdotal evidence, but I don't think lurid details of my masturbatory process are desired. So I would need to stop my hormone treatment for probably at least a month, something I am reluctant to do.
I know in the long run I would appreciate having done so, but it isn't as simple as that, storing the sperm now, would mean storing chemically altered sperm, my body chemistry is no longer that of a genetic male, and thus from my research, will increase the potential for birth defects. This brings about an ethical question, do I have any right to bring a being into the world, fully knowing that it has an increased rate of being defective because of my own personal choices? Fully knowing the other options available for child raising (adoption, etc), can I ethically go through with it?
Granted just by saving it, doesn't mean I will have to use it, but then it becomes an argument of stopping my treatments, in order to fulfill the option of a choice in the future that I don't have the moral grounds to use/excise anyway...It is an interesting debate.
No comments:
Post a Comment