Folley

There is a distinct loneliness about cities. Perhaps it is just the return of the overcast that has me somewhat withdrawn, but I find myself lacking in motivation again. This isn't new, it never is. I won't call myself naive, but, perhaps overly optimistic in my expectations of when I moved here. I didn't think it would solve all my problems, I knew moving here would simply relocate my problems here. By and large they are still with me, the depression, isolation, loneliness, and escapism are all just as bad now as they were when I lived 2300 miles from here. However there are a number of benefits to being that I do enjoy, I digress however. My original point being that being around so many people exacerbates the feeling of lonliness. Sure living out in the middle of nowhere is lonely, being surrounded by people, while giving off a social energy, is often just as lonely if you don't know any of them. It can often be worse.

I know none of this is strictly an external issue. Much of it is my own paralysis in dealing with social situatoins. Often complicated by the stress and depression brought on by the economy and failing to find employment. I find that I wish I had my old friends from Texas here, not for any real particular reason though. I have friends here, and they are great people, but...there is simply something missing. At the moment, i'm inclined to push that off on being mostly partly single and looking for a romantic interest. That probably isn't entirely the case.

I've abandoned my guitar as well. It has been lost in my lack of motivation like so many other things I at one point enjoyed. It is almost amazing what the frustration and depression of not finding employement can do to someone. I often find myself wondering what the point is. Which, has always been a very good indicator of my mental state. I usually only begin to question it when things start to turn bad as it is a question I can never answer.

I am slightly comforted by the notion that I'm not alone in it. A lot of the people I talk to are struggling to find work, I've also heard annecdotal tales of grown children still living at home because there simply isn't anything out there. I'm sure there are people working, but by and large it seems the young are perpetually screwed over in this. A situation I don't see being fixed for a good while.

I have some safety measures in place, friends of mine willing to put me of until I can find a place, a favor I probably will never be able to repay despite how much I cook/clean for them. I can't honorably ask my parents for anymore support than they have already given, and the feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness is beginning to pervade just about every aspect of my daily life. I often see positions available that I pass up because I wonder what the point of applying is. I know the old addage, "You don't get every job you don't apply to", but I have trouble convincing myself that I won't be hired regardless, so there is no point.

I know this worries people, but, there is little else I can do but try to keep fighting. Without any rhyme or reason as to why except the foolish notion that at some point it will pay off/work out.

I know myself pretty well. I know that most of this depression and dark thinking is brought on by not being able to cope with this issue. The problem is I don't see the solution anymore. I see my life, and myself, and just don't see any way that things miraculously pay off until a random job just falls into my lap.

My goals/expectations during college seem childish these days. The goals I had set are almost laughable now. Believing things would eventually work out well, oh the folely of youth.