9.28.2010

Tests

For the first time, in a long time, I'm beginning to feel genuinely frightened and anxious. Nervous and stressed, torn and unsure. I was talking to Denver the other day, and when I remarked on my infinite options, he said to let it set me free, and that some people would kill to have my situation. That didn't do much for me, despite his sweet motivation. I've been romanticizing him and our situation for something to hold onto. Some resemblance of structure or plan in my life. Some sort of direction, even if false, is better than nothing. Not that I'm opposed to the romantic intentions we've conjured up together, but on one level, I don't see them as entirely genuine. I think we exploit the significant barriers between us for excuses to be more endearing than our feelings truly merit. Why? Because we all like to have a romantic interest, no matter how distant or unfeasible, knowing that someone is out there who likes you, is a powerful crutch for an old wound.

It isn't just the workload, yes, it is more than I anticipated being my last semester of graduate school, but I can handle that in and of itself. Some of it is seeing old friends of mine drift farther and father away, knowing that despite my attempts, I can't keep them interested in being friends. There is nothing there to build that closeness anymore.

Overall I think some of it is simply feeling alone. I'm not sure why this feeling has crept up now more so than before, but even my closer friends seem more distant and..detached from me. I catch them doing things that offend me, or being innocently and ignorantly cruel, which is unlike them.

The large chunk of the anxiety is from not knowing what I'm doing once I graduate. As I said above, I've infinite possibilities before me, and aside from a few constraints, there is no wrong direction. I don't know what to do, and it is driving me mad. There is so much pressure to figure out what to do, and to do it fast. Yet at the same time unreasonable expectations are being made, I'm to find a job immediately and start working, when I'm young, inexperienced, and transgender. All three of these categories have very high relative rates of unemployment. I'm not using that as an excuse, but just as explanation as to why I'm expecting to encounter resistance. On the other side, there have been no listening ears to vent to. Hence, I'm left to vent my frustrations on here in some sort of relief. Lord knows I've no other outlets these days.

I really need to get over my little crushes. I've a terrible habit of getting hyper-romantic over straight female friends of mine from my past. In some instances I find myself wanting to block them completely so I don't have to see them, but I never manage to get that far. I suppose I'm looking for something in them, I'm looking for what I want to be.

wow....that's depressing. In the end, it boils down to the same insecurities, the same desires, and the same fears that I've always had. Body, mine, and the lack of any other.

9.16.2010

Making Plans

Previously, I've mentioned how I spent much of my teenage years locking myself away behind doors and televisions. I'm also leaving my home for the last three years this semester. This leaves me wanting to go out and celebrate life as much as possible because it is the last bit of it here I will get. However, I have night classes, in which I'm in class when most people are ending their day. Normally this isn't an issue, however at times, like tonight, I end up wanting to go out and socialize, and get blown off and excused away to my apartment, to lock myself away behind doors and televisions. I find people who I still call my friends, don't even bother returning calls anymore. I guess I at least know where I stand. Soon enough I will simply drop them out of my life, I've no need of acquaintances.

In other depressing news!

Unfortunately, there is no way for me to alter my bone structure. At least, not to the extent I am wanting. Recently the body image issue that is cropping up is my broadness, the large shoulder bones and ribs. In mirrors I simply keep imagining my body with smaller shoulders and a thinner rib cage. Alas, there isn't anything I can do about it, but that still doesn't make me want to keep them. I suppose I'm waiting for my hips to fill out, or my behind...or my thighs, but that seems to be stalling out as it is. 

The other issue, is in trying to find or discover a female orgasm. It is possible, I've heard from people who had female orgasms before having any surgeries. I however, can't seem to find one (not for lack of trying). Anytime I do however, it is the same thing I've always had. I'm beginning to feel like I may not be able to, at the moment, nothing seems quit so depressing as that. I feel I tolerate many of the ...sacrifices I have to make in comparison to cisgender females. I can tolerate being slightly taller, slightly broader, slightly thinner, slightly less endowed. I struggle with having to shave, I wince at not being a mother, and I cringe at my genitals. I somehow manage to live with all of this, but trying and trying over and over again to find something that should be rightfully mine already and a non-issue, is unfair and unjust. It makes me feel like I am broken. (Well, more so).

9.12.2010

Fish bowl

I'm beginning to feel a bit small in my fish bowl. These past few days I've just gotten an overwhelming sensation of boredom, staleness, and tediousness. I've grown tired of this small town, it's big neighbors, and this entire state. I'm ready to move and make a big change, I'm ready to be in a new location and to have a new start of everything. There is a very great desire for something new in my life experience.

I had originally blamed it on my lack of a relationship, but the more I thought it over, the less it seemed like a simple loneliness issue, and the more it seemed like a expiration of my tolerance of this place. The repetition of the yearly events has wained in interest, and I find myself not caring about things I used to enjoy. It isn't that they aren't fun, but simply they hold not interest to me anymore.

The downside of this being that this is something I have to do on my own, and, I'm not sure if I can.

9.08.2010

Ants

School? Well I've got my priorities taken care of, but I did notice some people talking...pointing. I wish they would simply approach and ask, rather than gossip and wonder. I'm sure in enough time they will accept it, or at least get over the curiosity of it. I suppose I'm simply annoyed at being pointed at. It wasn't an oh my god what is that point, but instead an oh that girl over there? point. So, the lesser of two evils, but it is still rude.

I've had some body image issues pop back up. I'm not sure what it is, or why it triggers. I suppose it is just normal trans imperfections popping up into my focus. It isn't exactly enjoyable.

I had an interesting discussion with another trans friend of mine however. We were going over how we were before hand. He said I was standoffish, and brooding. Which, is true. What interested me though, was when describing our teenage struggles, I listed myself as a "denyer". I convinced myself that there was nothing I could do about my feelings, and since I couldn't be perfect, then I wouldn't even bother. This notion of absolutes is something I still deal with. It is the namesake of this blog (along with a slight alcoholic play on words). The notion that if something can't be an absolute, then it is better to not try. One of the major hurdles in my coming out was getting over this notion. I still remember thinking that if I didn't do something about this issue, it was going to kill me (an absolute), and that any action, was better than the situation I was in (another absolute).

Looking at it that way, makes me wonder if I ever got over the notion at all, or simply twisted it to fit my needs.