Boundaries

On most days I can deal with my burdens in relative ease. It isn't pleasant but it is tolerable in most ways. After a recent involvement with someone, it has come to my attention that most everyone in my social circle knows I'm trans. Yet, they know through other people relaying my information without my permission. This is unbelievably infuriating and frustrating. It is a violation of trust and respect. It somewhat disappoints me in this city. I had expected when I moved here that I could largely live my life in relative peace and normalcy. That, apparently, isn't a gift I get to have. Much like the other things trans people don't have a right to, it seems peace isn't one them.

So, I've come to take my fun and happiness where I can. Be it three days with someone new that fails when their friends find out about me. Or just taking solace in my loneliness with coffee.

Perhaps the most depressing aspect, is that I'm getting used to this. I find myself growing at ease with not being happy, or with being alone. It isn't desirable, but it seems that is the life I'm destined to live one way or another. My aspirations of grace and gentle desirability are probably far fetched anyway.

In some ways, it is relieving that people know, here, at least, no one has disowned me because of things outside my choice. I can tolerate people seeing my flaws now, noticing the things that I can't or haven't changed yet. I was never one to believe I was beautiful anyway.

My life, it seems, is one of denial.

Social Regressions

Recently I've been thrust back into some relationships that I've found mimick some of my older ones pretty closely. Not in the sense that they are the same types of relationships I've had before, but just that I see these behavior patterns in my old relationships. What I found annoying, petty, and childish before, I now found immature, destructive, and ultimatly unproductive. What is disturbing is that I see how I've been able to move on past these issues in my life, and that I'm able to treat people with respect, yet seeing these traits still in people does nothing to attract me to these relationships.


This is somewhat troubling for someone that I'm attracted to, as it is somewhat a conflict in behaviors. I enjoy being around this person, but when joined with the rest of their cohorts it turns into a place I don't enjoy being.

Either way, it makes a good excuse to distance myself from these situations. The longer I am here the more I'm convinced that I need to expand my social circle and romantic interests into new areas. However, moving out of my comfort zone is well...uncomfortable.

I also find myself drinking more heavily than usual. I have a few ideas as to the reason behind this, but nothing firm just yet. I think some of it is largely social reasons, I think some of the stress and loneliness is beginning to weigh on my more heavily than I am acknowledging.  That isn't to say that I want to go back to Texas, indeed far from it. One thing I have noticed is that while I still have some mood swings towards the negative side, here, at least, I also have them towards the positive. This is something that never occured in Texas.

Speaking of moodswings, I've found getting off triggers them pretty rapidly and pretty heavily, at least, those times when I do get off. I'm not quite sure what it is about the act that pushes me into such..visceral states of mind. It does make me a bit concerned about my relationship with sex, and how that will play out.

I have discovered that given just about any environment I can slide into escapsim given my music is nearby. It always exacerbates my moods, either positive or negative, however, it brings me back inside, and centers me in an emotion, allowing me to inhabit the emotion and experience it fully. It isn't always productive, but it is usually enjoyable to some degree. At least, in that same familiar way that depression is both comfortable and disgustingly horrific at the same time.

Surface

As always, I'm not sure where to begin things. Not much has changed on the job front, things are as frustrating and hopeless as ever. I send out application after application to no avail.

I've been spending most of my time with the few friends I have here, but things are never that simple. I've found that I'm not quite sure where I stand with them. On the one hand I find that I've an attraction to them, but I tend to take a lack of action as disinterest. I.e. if they were interested they would make some sort of overt action. That, to me, doesn't seem illogical (though I know it is a bit). I've normally, at least up to this point, managed this without too much trouble.  Recently however I found myself doing an action that made someone pull away from me. I immediately felt awful, exposed, and embarrased for my display of affection that was so ..misdirected.

Nothing was said, and I was a bit drunk at the time, which always exacerbates my affections, however that doesn't remove the negative consequences of said action. So I'm left somewhere in between not knowing what to really do. I've accepted that I'll have to put my attraction aside and move to more of a friend relationship, it's the slip ups that I'm afraid of.

This is largely true of many of my relationships here. I think this is largely due to the fact that I spend so much of my time alone, and that the loneliness of existence is beginning to wear heavily on me. While I'm quick to get out of the apartment when given the chance, it seems almost a tease to myself to go expecting wanting things to happen. I know they probably won't, if they were, they would have happened a while ago. That doesn't convince the ache though.

I find myself growing callus and cold towards people as well. I'm trying hard not to become jaded and hopeless, but, it is a struggle.