On Running Away

Interesting predicaments...I'm trying to understand my motivations and emotions, which is strange to me as I"m usually pretty good at it. Not to say I don't have reason to be befuddled. I was recently intimate with someone who i'm very close to. This was the first time in a long time of abstinence, and i'm not quite sure what to make of it.

My first reactions were regret, and a desire to run from the relationship. Though later on I was fine being around the person and enjoyed hir company (note the gender neutral pronoun for those thinking it may be a typo). I can think of a couple of possible reasons why I wanted to leave, but not any that I can definitely say was the reason.

Which brings me to another issue, I like this person, and ze makes me very happy, but I keep finding myself looking at other people. I think the generally feeling is that things have gotten more serious than I intended, and though I do enjoy being with this person, there is something that pushes me away. What bothers me, is that I didn't feel this push prior to being intimate with this person.

Perhaps it is just the unfulfillment of intamcy that comes with hating ones body, and an act that utilizes the parts you hate is bound to make any act feel futile and meaningless.

Anyways, I doubt this will be the last entry on this subject.

Potentials (On Relationships)

Potentials? one wonders the point, or..possible eventualities of life. Of the trivialities of trust, or lack there of, and blindness of games. Vague, yes, but thats what life is. Slowly this is becoming more apparently defined the more I investigate.

I understand things about myself, I know why I want to be left alone, It's sad that it is already this early on, and here I am. I understand the situation, and the underlying motivations (on my part), but it raises the question again, though a different application.

Fascinating how a whole day can be ruined in the span of a single minute.

I think for once I would just like to not be able to boil things down to pros and cons. I ran with this venture on the hopes it might lead to something sweet and genuine, but I already feel myself dimensionalizing and weighing the relationship for its merits. Love I fear, is ever evasive and elusive.

Ce la vie apparently (downplay it, like I always do). Might as well start adjusting to the idea of solitude now, since it is already apparently (cynicism strikes again) inevitable. However, gifts are gifts, and I refuse to return moments in time to those who are no longer the people they were when they granted said moments, and however brief this ends up being, It was very nice.

Sigh, indeed.

I think this one just burnt out too quickly, rather, it never had a long life burning at its slowest, so perhaps its better to simply admire from afar, rather than get tangled in its inevitable oblivion.