Well, I've been procrastinating my essay, but it is the weekend, so its justifiable.
Some things that have been on my mind however, are bothering me, and so I thought I would express them here.
I've been somewhat seeing a GG (genuine/genetic girl) for about a week or so now, and we get along well and all that. I have yet to mention being trans to her yet though. She has seen my shoes and knows something is...odd/off, but I think we are both just taking it as it comes so far. While that has been on my mind, it isn't what has been bothering me.
The main issue is that, repeatedly, whenever I enter into a relationship with someone, my gender dysphoria seems to lessen. Perhaps that isn't the correct term. In terms of life satisfaction, obviously it has improved with finding someone to be with. However, something feels off. A common default mode of mine appears to be a sullen apathetic cynicism. It promotes this, dogmatic, fatalistic view of my end goals. While this is a..negative place to be, it is common, comfortable, and stable for me.
So when something adjust my disposition a bit, it feels off, and I don't know where the adjustment came from, so I loose sight of where I am. It is all very chaotic.
I now struggle with finding where my grounding is, in relation to my depression, loneliness, and dysphoria. Since this dysphoria is so much of who I am, when I loose my grounding, I in essence loose my bearings on my problems. So, I guess the issue now is to find out where my grounding is, where, and who I am in this space, at this moment. That my friends, is as always easier said than done. Especially when I still have a graduate essay to write.
Some things that have been on my mind however, are bothering me, and so I thought I would express them here.
I've been somewhat seeing a GG (genuine/genetic girl) for about a week or so now, and we get along well and all that. I have yet to mention being trans to her yet though. She has seen my shoes and knows something is...odd/off, but I think we are both just taking it as it comes so far. While that has been on my mind, it isn't what has been bothering me.
The main issue is that, repeatedly, whenever I enter into a relationship with someone, my gender dysphoria seems to lessen. Perhaps that isn't the correct term. In terms of life satisfaction, obviously it has improved with finding someone to be with. However, something feels off. A common default mode of mine appears to be a sullen apathetic cynicism. It promotes this, dogmatic, fatalistic view of my end goals. While this is a..negative place to be, it is common, comfortable, and stable for me.
So when something adjust my disposition a bit, it feels off, and I don't know where the adjustment came from, so I loose sight of where I am. It is all very chaotic.
I now struggle with finding where my grounding is, in relation to my depression, loneliness, and dysphoria. Since this dysphoria is so much of who I am, when I loose my grounding, I in essence loose my bearings on my problems. So, I guess the issue now is to find out where my grounding is, where, and who I am in this space, at this moment. That my friends, is as always easier said than done. Especially when I still have a graduate essay to write.
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