11.27.2010

Obligations

Oh the holidays, what a useless period of time. I'm actually a big fan of what the holidays stand for, but it is another one of those things that I seemingly do without. The holidays are in general a huge source of conflict for me. While I'm grateful that my family relatives accept me for who I am, there is a growing disconnect between them and my life. The more time that passes, the less I feel any connection with them in my life. Aside from their support, and blood relation, I really don't see a binding tie between us. I just get this lingering feeling that they don't understand, and that something is missing. Looking back it seems that the notion of family left around sometime in my teenage years.

Specifically on Thanksgiving, it has become more and more about the food for me, and since it is usually pretty crappy food, I see no real desire to go outside of obligations. This is a notion that I think carries through to the rest of my relatives. People arrive, eat/finish the preparations, wait around for ten minutes, then leave. No one really wants to be there, they simply have to be out of obligations. Which makes me wonder what the point really is aside from keeping up some asinine gesture towards being a normal family, when, we aren't really at all. Everyone keeps secretes from each other, no one says what they mean, or secretly want. All of my relatives keep each other at such a huge distance that, I just can't help but feel isolated from them.

Which brings me to connections, love, really. I think about those that I truely care for, the people who alter my existence by simply being in my life. When I apply this to my relatives, there really is nothing beneficial there outside of financial support. Yes, I know they love me, but lately, I find that this is more because we are relatives, and not simply because we love each other. If they were just another couple, taking in a poor transgirl, I don't think my perspective or feelings would change much. This differs greatly from the people I consider my family, who inspire me to greatness, and make me want to be a better person.

So, the holidays feel more like a hassle, given the process I have to dance around to satisfy both sides of my relatives. It simply has no meaning left for me anymore, between the materialization, bad food, false pretenses and fake emotions, I really see no harmony in the season.

This lies on top of my own issues with family, and the feelings of loneliness that accompanies everything. There isn't anyone among my family that understands my issues, what it is like to be unable to bear children, for example, or dealing with hate groups and systemic discrimination. This all just leads to a feeling of alienation.

Lastly, I get feelings of guilt built up from everyone. From my friends who are envious that I get to spend time with my relatives, or indirectly from other transpeople who don't have families that accept them, or are no longer around. I get pushed from everyone to participate in these holidays because apparently one day they will no longer be around. Yet, for me, they haven't been around, nor will they be around, for me. They are just strangers who share DNA. In exchange for financial support (for the time being) I give them a the time of day, and my presence, for a little while if nothing more.

I feel no greater connection than that, which, as we know, is quite lonely. I think it is more, simply, time to move on with my life. I know, better than most, what a true family is, and what it is not.

11.21.2010

Note mentioned in previous post

Also, I just noticed that the post Showers, was post #100. Yay.

Dear Assholes, I'm not sorry that I intimidate you. I'm not sorry that you can't comprehend me, that as a being, I am so beyond your scope of reality, that I might as well have beamed down from the mother ship, and slapped you in the face with my alien cock. I'm not sorry that you are so primitive, that you can barely realize your own motivations and emotions. I'm not sorry you are so primitive that you engage in tribalism and hedonistic behaviors that oh so mimic our common ancestors.

Dear Assholes, I'm not sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. I'm not sorry for simply existing in a world that you can't fathom.

Dear Assholes, I'm not sorry if I spoil your party, and I'm not sorry if I turn you off, ruin your mood, rain on your parade, or piss in your cornflakes.

Dear stupid, redneck, white trash assholes, I'm not sorry if my handshake is a bit firm, I was under the impression that men, manly men, such as yourself, could take a slight palm squeeze from a frail thing such as myself.

Dear inbred hicks, I'm not sorry that I am taller than most other girls, and I'm not sorry if my size 11 heel gets stuck on your throat/balls/hand/foot/ or face.

Dear drunken, sister-fucking, impotent, small minded rednecks, I'm not sorry that I don't play into your games, and I'm not sorry for being myself when invited out by my friends.

Dear right wing, homophobic, transphobic, xenophobic, racists, heterosexists, privileged white males, I'm not sorry that in being so far beyond your comprehension, you don't realize your stupidity when interacting with me. You see, you're really just children, hiding behind your mother's skirt. Maybe once you've grown up a bit, she will let you come out and play with the rest of the grown ups.

11.20.2010

Nonhuman

I've needed to write for a while just to ..explain the insanity that was last weekend. I wrote about Friday's events, but had no idea the theme of complete overwhelming insanity was going to continue. So stick around as this one will probably be a bit lengthy.

Saturday.

The importance of Saturday lies in the evening, so I'll skip there but just mention that I woke up that morning feeling like I normally had, like shit. Having this continue through the evening left me restless. At one point I decided to opt out of escapism and simply lay down and ponder things. A while back my therapist had told me that depression is sometimes a coping mechanism for stressful situations. I focused on this and began listing all my issues. The first and foremost was what my plans were for post-graduation. So I then asked myself if I would continue to feel like shit if that was no longer an issue. The answer came back no, and when I realized that, instantly a tremendous weight lifted off me, and the fog that clouds over everything vanished. It was that quick and simple. I started to cry and the simply laughed at myself for a good while. The overall simplicity of knowing what triggers my moods, and being in control of them is a powerful thing. I woke up the next day feeling absolutely amazing.

Now, that isn't to say things are all rainbows and puppies. There is still an isolation and loneliness that chills me. However the chill doesn't penetrate me to the core like it used to a week ago. I still battle with the same feelings I had before, but the direness and hopelessness are gone. I've still no real idea on what I'm going to do, but not having that weight makes things much easier.

Sunday.
As I said earlier, I woke up feeling amazing. Later on that evening, I was dragged out by some friends of mine to go make/eat smores by a campfire just outside my apartment. Unfortunately for me, the group of people out there was not made up of what I would call "humans". When we got to the campfire, the was a period of about thirty minutes before the comments began. They started off innocently enough, comments on my height, naturally. This however quickly degraded into blatant disrespect and insults. In short, one person felt he had a duty or right to unearth my deception, as that was what it inherently was to him, to everyone else. He thought he should be thanked and respected for "telling it how it is", or something to that degree. About the time that this started to really flare up, my friends who asked me out there began to interrupt the offender, and the entire process by which it was happening. This, to me, was probably the sweetest thing i've ever had done for me. However, their appetite had been wet, and they weren't going to drop the issue. We left shortly there after, but not before my friends made the primary offender apologize to me. This was of course, heavily forced, and used as a way to deny my identity by saying "I'm sorry, Man". With the emphasis on man.

The whole ordeal felt very humiliating. I felt very self conscious until I learned that they had been told beforehand of my status. While I was very glad to see people stick up for a trans girl, overall it felt shammed in general. I did defend myself to an extent, though it wasn't quite the loud, in your face, sort of defense it should have been. I ended up crying a little, and writing an interesting note about the ordeal that I will repost here. Writing that made me feel better, and put that negativity out there, instead of within me.

So, that brings you up to speed. I'm feeling rather up these days, as I mentioned earlier, it doesn't quite feel as good as it could. There is very much still an issue with emotional connection that is being unresolved. However, things have gotten much better than they were. In regards to the events on Friday, I think something of that nature might be enjoyable now, if I was a bit less intoxicated, and knew what to expect going in. Given my mental state at the time, it is not surprising how poorly I took it when that emotional connection was denied.


11.13.2010

Showers

How do I describe tonights events? Shallow? Insincere? I'm not quire sure suffice to say I was left feeling irrelevant in the larger scheme of things. Once they had apparently had their fun with me, I was of no use to them. For anyone looking for advice, if you're feeling a bit..meaningless, do NOT go and plan an event around a bunch of people and sex. The whole event left me feeling more like a tool and an object than anything else. It was not something I think I would do again simply because when I choose to be with someone, I want there to be some sort of connection there. This simply wasn't the case with so many people involved and so many people doing different things.

So for me, who was already feeling meaningless, hollow, without substance, etc. The feelings are only exacerbated. The temptation to cut simply to feel something is pretty high. While it did do the job of getting me out of my head for awhile, it didn't help the rebirth of that mindset when it came back, which it did with a vengeance.

It wasn't a matter of attraction, there were plenty of attractive people, it was simply not I how operate with physical desire. What I crave more than anything else is the emotional connection supplied during intimacy, which wasn't only not provided, but seemingly flat out mocked  during the nights events. The whole night was rife with a casual air and apathetic nature that I wondered why I had even bothered. "Oh, its just some people having sex", Well then, I guess I'll just head back home. Though, at this point, I somewhat wish I had. Though I will add in that the night closed off with someone I've met three times before saying it was nice to meet me. See what I mean about irrelevance?

I somewhat wonder how I'm still alive after all this...Not just after tonight, but just, given everything...it makes me wonder why, and why bother continuing. My friend Lauren said there was light at the end of the tunnel, I look at her life, and wonder...really? Does this sustain you? Because It sure as hell doesn't sustain me. In larger news, to be classified as suicidal, one must have fantasies or idealizations three times a week or more. I think I'm around two or three for the week ( I was never counting). While I don't think it is at the point of motivating me to DO anything about it, the passive thoughts of if X were to happen, I really wouldn't care, are pretty normal for me. 

Now I need to shower and hopefully reclaim something of myself.

11.08.2010

pitter, patter.

I'm beginning to wonder just how many times I can rewrite the same thing. I've still refrained from cutting, though I had the urge to. I'm going to try and adjust my body hours as it seems the times that are the worst, are also the ones late at night. It is November already, and I'm somewhat stuck here. I can't move anywhere yet, and yet, I've practically said my goodbyes already. These are going to by my last weeks in the city, and the pomp and circumstance is apparently few and far between.

My expectations about Denver were accurate, as soon as another romance appeared on the horizon he disappeared. I suspected this was going to happen, it is just sad to confirm my status as a substitute. It isn't something I'm real upset over, I knew this was how things were going in, but it doesn't help to have another name I won't call when I feel like shit late at night.

It all contributes to being alone. I don't mean in a purely romantic sense, though that is a lot of it. I feel alone in that I don't think anyone else cares anymore. Not genuinely anyway. I often have fantasies about my funeral (don't read that as suicide), and who all shows up, the outpouring of emotion. That emotional connection is what I'm looking for. A sense of oneness.

Looking into that now, I find a yearning for oneness because I have such little desire to be purely myself. If I can delve into someone else, even if temporarily, that is a night, hour, minute, or precious couple of seconds that I'm not stuck being myself. I can hear the words of my ex now "You don't love yourself". I've never heard words that made me feel so judged so harshly before. Probably because it was coming from someone I trusted. I don't feel the need to expunge that phrase with all of the many reasons of why it is crap. Suffice to say that most Trans people will know the feeling, and generally fewer cis people will, if to the extent that we do.

Further, I may contaminating my emotions, but I think the loneliness is exacerbated by my sterility. I fantasise all the time about being a cis-gender person with kids, but...that isn't a life I get to have. I have been denied that right, and privilege. I guess I am still mourning that loss, more so than I thought, and trying to do it alone is that much harder.

11.03.2010

Passing Through

I'm trying not to focus on the recent political events, but I just can't seem to see any light at the end of that tunnel. It seems for every step forward we make as a country, we're determined to spend another decade going the other direction. That is fine when you are the privileged majority of the country, that doesn't need access to healthcare or equal rights.

Anyway, on to more personal matters. I've avoided cutting since last Saturday, and I haven't had the urge too much so far. Thought my hip is healing up and starting to scar over. It seems everyone I interact with shows me nothing but ugliness and distaste. Granted that I may be focusing on the negative (surprise surprise), but I've yet to find anyone to show me something beautiful. I had a romantic burst with an old friend of mine the other night, but, while enjoyable, was fleeting and nonsustaining. I always enjoy these encounters, but they also seem so hollow and meaningless.

I was afraid of moving away for a while, I thought the loneliness would be too much, but the loneliness here is just as bad. At least in a new place there isn't any false pretenses to keep up, no routines for the sake of routines.

I find myself not wanting to put up with these things anymore. I know it would be rude, but I simply don't care to associate with people who aren't genuine with me. Soon enough it will be over though. Graduation is a little over a month away, and then I can begin anew, hopefully anyway. At this point it is beginning to look like staying here would be worse for me than leaving.