I'm beginning to wonder just how many times I can rewrite the same thing. I've still refrained from cutting, though I had the urge to. I'm going to try and adjust my body hours as it seems the times that are the worst, are also the ones late at night. It is November already, and I'm somewhat stuck here. I can't move anywhere yet, and yet, I've practically said my goodbyes already. These are going to by my last weeks in the city, and the pomp and circumstance is apparently few and far between.
My expectations about Denver were accurate, as soon as another romance appeared on the horizon he disappeared. I suspected this was going to happen, it is just sad to confirm my status as a substitute. It isn't something I'm real upset over, I knew this was how things were going in, but it doesn't help to have another name I won't call when I feel like shit late at night.
It all contributes to being alone. I don't mean in a purely romantic sense, though that is a lot of it. I feel alone in that I don't think anyone else cares anymore. Not genuinely anyway. I often have fantasies about my funeral (don't read that as suicide), and who all shows up, the outpouring of emotion. That emotional connection is what I'm looking for. A sense of oneness.
Looking into that now, I find a yearning for oneness because I have such little desire to be purely myself. If I can delve into someone else, even if temporarily, that is a night, hour, minute, or precious couple of seconds that I'm not stuck being myself. I can hear the words of my ex now "You don't love yourself". I've never heard words that made me feel so judged so harshly before. Probably because it was coming from someone I trusted. I don't feel the need to expunge that phrase with all of the many reasons of why it is crap. Suffice to say that most Trans people will know the feeling, and generally fewer cis people will, if to the extent that we do.
Further, I may contaminating my emotions, but I think the loneliness is exacerbated by my sterility. I fantasise all the time about being a cis-gender person with kids, but...that isn't a life I get to have. I have been denied that right, and privilege. I guess I am still mourning that loss, more so than I thought, and trying to do it alone is that much harder.
My expectations about Denver were accurate, as soon as another romance appeared on the horizon he disappeared. I suspected this was going to happen, it is just sad to confirm my status as a substitute. It isn't something I'm real upset over, I knew this was how things were going in, but it doesn't help to have another name I won't call when I feel like shit late at night.
It all contributes to being alone. I don't mean in a purely romantic sense, though that is a lot of it. I feel alone in that I don't think anyone else cares anymore. Not genuinely anyway. I often have fantasies about my funeral (don't read that as suicide), and who all shows up, the outpouring of emotion. That emotional connection is what I'm looking for. A sense of oneness.
Looking into that now, I find a yearning for oneness because I have such little desire to be purely myself. If I can delve into someone else, even if temporarily, that is a night, hour, minute, or precious couple of seconds that I'm not stuck being myself. I can hear the words of my ex now "You don't love yourself". I've never heard words that made me feel so judged so harshly before. Probably because it was coming from someone I trusted. I don't feel the need to expunge that phrase with all of the many reasons of why it is crap. Suffice to say that most Trans people will know the feeling, and generally fewer cis people will, if to the extent that we do.
Further, I may contaminating my emotions, but I think the loneliness is exacerbated by my sterility. I fantasise all the time about being a cis-gender person with kids, but...that isn't a life I get to have. I have been denied that right, and privilege. I guess I am still mourning that loss, more so than I thought, and trying to do it alone is that much harder.
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