How do I describe tonights events? Shallow? Insincere? I'm not quire sure suffice to say I was left feeling irrelevant in the larger scheme of things. Once they had apparently had their fun with me, I was of no use to them. For anyone looking for advice, if you're feeling a bit..meaningless, do NOT go and plan an event around a bunch of people and sex. The whole event left me feeling more like a tool and an object than anything else. It was not something I think I would do again simply because when I choose to be with someone, I want there to be some sort of connection there. This simply wasn't the case with so many people involved and so many people doing different things.
So for me, who was already feeling meaningless, hollow, without substance, etc. The feelings are only exacerbated. The temptation to cut simply to feel something is pretty high. While it did do the job of getting me out of my head for awhile, it didn't help the rebirth of that mindset when it came back, which it did with a vengeance.
It wasn't a matter of attraction, there were plenty of attractive people, it was simply not I how operate with physical desire. What I crave more than anything else is the emotional connection supplied during intimacy, which wasn't only not provided, but seemingly flat out mocked during the nights events. The whole night was rife with a casual air and apathetic nature that I wondered why I had even bothered. "Oh, its just some people having sex", Well then, I guess I'll just head back home. Though, at this point, I somewhat wish I had. Though I will add in that the night closed off with someone I've met three times before saying it was nice to meet me. See what I mean about irrelevance?
I somewhat wonder how I'm still alive after all this...Not just after tonight, but just, given everything...it makes me wonder why, and why bother continuing. My friend Lauren said there was light at the end of the tunnel, I look at her life, and wonder...really? Does this sustain you? Because It sure as hell doesn't sustain me. In larger news, to be classified as suicidal, one must have fantasies or idealizations three times a week or more. I think I'm around two or three for the week ( I was never counting). While I don't think it is at the point of motivating me to DO anything about it, the passive thoughts of if X were to happen, I really wouldn't care, are pretty normal for me.
Now I need to shower and hopefully reclaim something of myself.
So for me, who was already feeling meaningless, hollow, without substance, etc. The feelings are only exacerbated. The temptation to cut simply to feel something is pretty high. While it did do the job of getting me out of my head for awhile, it didn't help the rebirth of that mindset when it came back, which it did with a vengeance.
It wasn't a matter of attraction, there were plenty of attractive people, it was simply not I how operate with physical desire. What I crave more than anything else is the emotional connection supplied during intimacy, which wasn't only not provided, but seemingly flat out mocked during the nights events. The whole night was rife with a casual air and apathetic nature that I wondered why I had even bothered. "Oh, its just some people having sex", Well then, I guess I'll just head back home. Though, at this point, I somewhat wish I had. Though I will add in that the night closed off with someone I've met three times before saying it was nice to meet me. See what I mean about irrelevance?
I somewhat wonder how I'm still alive after all this...Not just after tonight, but just, given everything...it makes me wonder why, and why bother continuing. My friend Lauren said there was light at the end of the tunnel, I look at her life, and wonder...really? Does this sustain you? Because It sure as hell doesn't sustain me. In larger news, to be classified as suicidal, one must have fantasies or idealizations three times a week or more. I think I'm around two or three for the week ( I was never counting). While I don't think it is at the point of motivating me to DO anything about it, the passive thoughts of if X were to happen, I really wouldn't care, are pretty normal for me.
Now I need to shower and hopefully reclaim something of myself.
Dear Universe:
ReplyDeletePlease untie the knots that are in my mind, my heart and my life.
Remove the have-nots, the cannots and the do-nots.
Erase the will note, may nots, might nots that may find a home in my heart.
Release me from the could nots, would nots, and should nots that obstruct my life.
Most of all Universe, I ask that you remove from my mind, my heart and my life ALL of the AM nots that I have allowed to take hold of me, especially the thought that I am not good enough.
Amen
Amelia, do you share about feeling suicidal and cutting in the therapy you mention?
ReplyDeleteI do usually, and have before in the past yes.
ReplyDelete