A Road Entry

So this is a note I wrote on my phone coming back from Seattle.

Suddenly I miss you, and what was there. I know things are gone, but I still miss the period of time where I had someone to share life with. In a few months we will both be separated by more than our feelings and the sadness that comes with that is akin to mourning the loss of a friend. Yes I have mostly gotten over my romantic feelings...But I will still mourn the loss of my love, and best friend.

Basically just sadness. I miss things, how they were, even if somehow flawed, were still us.

I am not a fan of loosing the people I care about.

Contrasts

I am finally back home, and glad to be. Definitely an interesting experience however.

As a follow up to the last post, I talked to my ex and found out that I wasn't being ignored, but ze wanted to create distance. Reasonable enough I suppose, though I still find myself possessive and jealous over things. I believe that is normal as I still have some feelings there.

Seattle did my spirit worlds of good, after that we went down to Portland for a night, then to Denver to visit a friend of one of my companions. This is where the plot thickens.

My connection to this person was pretty strong, we share astrological signs, and we were flirting pretty heavily through the time I was there. When we went to a local Gay bar, I confirmed the feelings towards me, and things escalated from there.

Things didn't get terribly serious, we were, after all, sharing a room with my two other companions, and I am not a quiet girl usually. What I find curious about this encounter however, is the upfront fickleness of it, and my sexual attraction to him. As a self confessed "100% hetero", the attraction to a trans-woman is somewhat complicated. I wasn't sure what to think until he made his intentions clear later on that night. I had no issues with him though, he was cute, charming, considerate, intelligent, and basically enjoyable to the last detail. I can't honestly say my attraction isn't heightened due to contrast against my ex however.

Looking at it now, I think one of the issues was that my gender was never called into question, I always felt very feminine around him. being with someone taller and larger than me was also an enjoyable change. I'll spare you the details, but I found myself easily falling into a comfort zone around him that, had the situation been different, may have flourished in something of a relationship. Which, brings me to my last bit, the fickleness. This was not my first sexual encounter with a genetic male. One thing I find distasteful is their eagerness, and the lack of control they exude. I know this behavior because it use to be one of mine. I amused myself when I caught him doing motions and routines that I used to do. Being trans gives me sort of an playbook on how males work, more so I believe than genetic females, but I digress. I think we both just knew it wasn't going to amount to much, and so if we could give each other something enjoyable, then why not.

So why the entry then? Well I'd lie if I said casual sexual encounters were my favorite, but, I think in this case, no real harm was done. I wasn't assuming a purpose or cause in it like I had the last time I slept with my ex, and thus I have no real emotional attachment, aside from some pleasant notions that I would like to enjoy again at some time, with someone. 

Breed

So, the song Breed by Nirvana, seems to fit. For one, I'm in Seattle at the moment, Two, given recent entries, the title is appropriate, and three the lyrics are about getting away.

Anyway, I'm in Seattle, 2200 miles away from where I live. It has been almost a week since the last entry and I've had some time to mull things over. The anger, frustration, and hurt have all passed, and now it is more fatalism and indifference. I knew as we broke up it there would come a point in which I no longer cared. That our two lives would separate so sharply that we will have our own separate lives that are mutually exclusive from each other, in which, I have no emotional attachment or involvement in the other's life. It seems in this case to be amplified by hir not responding to my prompts (text/emails), but that is ze's option. It was going to end up this way anyway, so why not just get it over with.

i do regret what happened, only in my obtuse blindness and stubbornness in love. I desperately wanted to put things back to how they were, but I should have known it wasn't going to make a difference.

For those who ask, why not simply enjoy one last night of fun, well sexual intimacy for me is not about the physical act, but the emotional connection. In making one last stand, I had assumed the connection was still there (even if body language suggested otherwise, on both our parts). When I asked if anything was different, and got what I knew was true as an answer, it confirmed that there was nothing there and that it was just loveless sex, which is disgusting for me.

While it is true that we started out as a friends with benefits type of relationship, I wouldn't have been involved in such without a romantic connection in the first place.

So where does that leave me? Well, Soon we will be parted via long distances, I assume we may talk every couple of weeks or so, or more or less...it makes little difference in the scheme of things as we simply grow further and further apart. I'll move on completely and forget the misery of being single, until later on down the line a new interest pops up.

I do plan on moving up to Seattle now, after seeing how amazing it can be, after graduation, but that will largely depend on how the job market goes, and what I can find.

But looking back on all this, I feel a general sullen apathy towards it all. I regret that it had to end, and how it ended, but that is life, and life is rarely filled with lasting moments of happiness. Being with hir was definitely one of the better moments in life, but, like all good things, it has to end.

A farewell note

I'm writing this on the eve of a two week vacation, and it can't come soon enough. I was mildly entertained by the idea of leaving at first, but now, I NEED to get away.

Tonight, I ended up putting myself in a position to relive recent romantic excursions with my ex. I understand why, but there are two distinct moments in which I felt both immense satisfaction and fullness, and then complete obliteration and grotesqueness. The former, came before things became sexually involved, but at the first kiss. Earlier in the night I had almost cried when I wanted to be close to hir, but fought the urge. The latter, came at the end of the sexual escapades when I asked if this changed anything. I already knew the answer, as I'm sure you all can infer as well.

The two expeditions were separated by a brief period of solitude in a bathroom for me to wonder what the fuck I was doing.  I knew what I wanted, but I also knew that the odds of it being how I wanted, were slim. As things became more sexual in nature, I knew early on that things felt different. Compared to earlier during the first kiss when I felt that fluttering joyous panic of happiness, here was only forced interest, routine, mandated petting, and a distinct lack of passion. Wherein I knew that was a sign to stop, I nevertheless charged forward, ignoring my instincts.

Where does that leave us now, well I've cried, and still have a good amount more to go, but after going from regret to shame, to anger, I've felt the quick drain of any love I had there flow out of me only to be replaced by spite and resentment. I feel used, overexposed, taken advantage of, unappreciated, dumb, embarrassed, contaminated, dirty, hurt...just hurt.

Birthday Blues

Perhaps it is just seasonal depression, and it being my birthday, but I'm not feeling so well. Earlier tonight I watched The Fountain, which was probably not a good idea, given recent events. I just felt like my life is being very empty and hollow. I think this is now personified in having my own apartment. While I feel a bit easier to express myself, there isn't anyone else around. I wasn't ever really close/open with my roommate, but at least I know there was another human who cared close by. Now though, It is just me, and it is already quite lonely. I had some rather nasty thoughts the other day, ones I haven't had since last December. Hopefully I don't resort to those means again, knowing that there isn't anyone else in the house gives me horrible thoughts when I hit my lows.

It isn't all bad, I moved out on my own for a reason, and I think some of it is just the recency of it (I moved in two nights ago). At least I hope it goes away soon. I know that once school starts back up things will get better, but so far this autonomy and chaotic lack of direction is helping in my loneliness. Well, at least I have a party scheduled, and hopefully that will cheer me up some.

As for my ex, it gets easier as time passes, but I still have some issues I need to resolve. For one, my fatalistic view on relationships, and the ending of love. Also, trying to find some sort of meaning in existence, but that one has plagued me for years.

Ending, a line from the Rilo Kiley song, Science vs Romance.

"That's not to say i don't have good times,
  But as for my days,
  I spend them waiting."

Obviously obvious.

I'm writing unusually early this time to try and get some of this out of me, and into some other form. Since my last entry it was decided (apparently) that talking between us (my ex) was a bad idea. I understand this, as it helps create distance and makes things easier (supposedly). It doesn't help me from missing my best friend however.

I find myself wondering what the point is. I know, this is not shocking news. However, it just seems that all of the relationships I have with my exs are the same. After the breakup we put so much distance between us that we become merely acquaintances, and not friends. Sure I'm on speaking terms with them, but I don't see them often, or talk to them regularly. They are simply there, in a neutral, indifferent, apathetic, meaningless limbo between being a friend, and being an acquaintance that I would easily delete off my facebook if it wasn't for the fact that we dated. If it wasn't for sentimentality, or distance hopes of redating, I'm not sure why I would ever bother. With the exception of one (the first), I can't readily call them my friends.

SO, given the grim prospects of how things will become, what is the point of distancing ourselves so we can remain friends. It won't be like it was, and it can't be how I'd like it to be.

I miss being happy.

detachment

I'm feeling pretty detached from things now. I've spent so much time escaping that everything just feels pretty numb. At least in an internal retrospective sort of way. I may see my ex tomorrow, but I'm not sure how it is going to feel. I imagine I will simply distance myself and be remote. Not that it is a strategy that is known to work, but it seems to at least make things tolerable.

Some days are better than others, I still find myself crying a good amount of the time.