So, the song Breed by Nirvana, seems to fit. For one, I'm in Seattle at the moment, Two, given recent entries, the title is appropriate, and three the lyrics are about getting away.
Anyway, I'm in Seattle, 2200 miles away from where I live. It has been almost a week since the last entry and I've had some time to mull things over. The anger, frustration, and hurt have all passed, and now it is more fatalism and indifference. I knew as we broke up it there would come a point in which I no longer cared. That our two lives would separate so sharply that we will have our own separate lives that are mutually exclusive from each other, in which, I have no emotional attachment or involvement in the other's life. It seems in this case to be amplified by hir not responding to my prompts (text/emails), but that is ze's option. It was going to end up this way anyway, so why not just get it over with.
i do regret what happened, only in my obtuse blindness and stubbornness in love. I desperately wanted to put things back to how they were, but I should have known it wasn't going to make a difference.
For those who ask, why not simply enjoy one last night of fun, well sexual intimacy for me is not about the physical act, but the emotional connection. In making one last stand, I had assumed the connection was still there (even if body language suggested otherwise, on both our parts). When I asked if anything was different, and got what I knew was true as an answer, it confirmed that there was nothing there and that it was just loveless sex, which is disgusting for me.
While it is true that we started out as a friends with benefits type of relationship, I wouldn't have been involved in such without a romantic connection in the first place.
So where does that leave me? Well, Soon we will be parted via long distances, I assume we may talk every couple of weeks or so, or more or less...it makes little difference in the scheme of things as we simply grow further and further apart. I'll move on completely and forget the misery of being single, until later on down the line a new interest pops up.
I do plan on moving up to Seattle now, after seeing how amazing it can be, after graduation, but that will largely depend on how the job market goes, and what I can find.
But looking back on all this, I feel a general sullen apathy towards it all. I regret that it had to end, and how it ended, but that is life, and life is rarely filled with lasting moments of happiness. Being with hir was definitely one of the better moments in life, but, like all good things, it has to end.
Anyway, I'm in Seattle, 2200 miles away from where I live. It has been almost a week since the last entry and I've had some time to mull things over. The anger, frustration, and hurt have all passed, and now it is more fatalism and indifference. I knew as we broke up it there would come a point in which I no longer cared. That our two lives would separate so sharply that we will have our own separate lives that are mutually exclusive from each other, in which, I have no emotional attachment or involvement in the other's life. It seems in this case to be amplified by hir not responding to my prompts (text/emails), but that is ze's option. It was going to end up this way anyway, so why not just get it over with.
i do regret what happened, only in my obtuse blindness and stubbornness in love. I desperately wanted to put things back to how they were, but I should have known it wasn't going to make a difference.
For those who ask, why not simply enjoy one last night of fun, well sexual intimacy for me is not about the physical act, but the emotional connection. In making one last stand, I had assumed the connection was still there (even if body language suggested otherwise, on both our parts). When I asked if anything was different, and got what I knew was true as an answer, it confirmed that there was nothing there and that it was just loveless sex, which is disgusting for me.
While it is true that we started out as a friends with benefits type of relationship, I wouldn't have been involved in such without a romantic connection in the first place.
So where does that leave me? Well, Soon we will be parted via long distances, I assume we may talk every couple of weeks or so, or more or less...it makes little difference in the scheme of things as we simply grow further and further apart. I'll move on completely and forget the misery of being single, until later on down the line a new interest pops up.
I do plan on moving up to Seattle now, after seeing how amazing it can be, after graduation, but that will largely depend on how the job market goes, and what I can find.
But looking back on all this, I feel a general sullen apathy towards it all. I regret that it had to end, and how it ended, but that is life, and life is rarely filled with lasting moments of happiness. Being with hir was definitely one of the better moments in life, but, like all good things, it has to end.
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