Birthday Blues

Perhaps it is just seasonal depression, and it being my birthday, but I'm not feeling so well. Earlier tonight I watched The Fountain, which was probably not a good idea, given recent events. I just felt like my life is being very empty and hollow. I think this is now personified in having my own apartment. While I feel a bit easier to express myself, there isn't anyone else around. I wasn't ever really close/open with my roommate, but at least I know there was another human who cared close by. Now though, It is just me, and it is already quite lonely. I had some rather nasty thoughts the other day, ones I haven't had since last December. Hopefully I don't resort to those means again, knowing that there isn't anyone else in the house gives me horrible thoughts when I hit my lows.

It isn't all bad, I moved out on my own for a reason, and I think some of it is just the recency of it (I moved in two nights ago). At least I hope it goes away soon. I know that once school starts back up things will get better, but so far this autonomy and chaotic lack of direction is helping in my loneliness. Well, at least I have a party scheduled, and hopefully that will cheer me up some.

As for my ex, it gets easier as time passes, but I still have some issues I need to resolve. For one, my fatalistic view on relationships, and the ending of love. Also, trying to find some sort of meaning in existence, but that one has plagued me for years.

Ending, a line from the Rilo Kiley song, Science vs Romance.

"That's not to say i don't have good times,
  But as for my days,
  I spend them waiting."