Greek Weddings

As always, the beginning is the hardest part.

My mother's wedding went remarkably better than I had anticipated. I was able to deal with those unpleasant members of my family without much effort, and my date was remarkable at keeping me calm, enthralled, and distracted from the negative.
That isn't to say he was altogether dreamy. There were moments where his teasing began to wear me down. While it was nice to be with him, we both knew it was little more than an enjoyable distraction for both of us. With distance being so large a factor it isn't really feasible for us to be an item. I think we are both somewhat fine with that.

Now, to the tricky bits. The morning of the wedding I was an absolute wreck. For unknown reasons I was unable to keep myself together. While I'm certain part of it was being sick with a sinus infection (yay Texas), most of it was probably attributable to emotional issues. To the point where I began considering cutting again. I knew there were places I was needing to be, and I didn't necessarily have the time to wallow around in depression. My date tried to console me, but it just wasn't happening. I had begun to reconcile myself and went to dress when I began to look for potential objects to use for cutting. I thought this was hopeless as I no longer live there and most of my sharp objects were missing. I did however, manage to find an old box cutter, which in a pinch worked wonders on my thigh.

This was the first time since Christmas that I've been forced into cutting for sanity. While the mere thought of being forced back into it was originally a source of further anxiety, I quickly realized it was the only hope for making it through the day with some sort of normalcy. I did this when my date was out of the room so he wouldn't be aware. However, the abrupt and instant change in my mood was the more disturbing. The sheer power of the act in its effect to cap my emotions and return me back to my normal self is disgusting. I'm not proud necessarily of what I do, much in the sense that drug addicts aren't, but, if it gets me through than it gets me through.

The day went on as planned and I was remarkably pleasant to be around. There were a few regrets however. I wish I would have gotten more slow dances with my date as that is something I greatly enjoy. There is little I can do about that now however.

I think my train wreck nature of the day is largely due in part to the whole celebration in essence feeling like an exacerbation of my loneliness. This explains why my date was no help, as an enjoyable distraction does nothing to air long term loneliness. In effect it simply serves to dramatize the affect of the wedding on my already hyper-sensitive nature to the subject.

I also missed out on an honest goodbye with my date due to a mix up in airports and just where we were both heading. This left the whole event feeling unfulfilled and slightly lacking in closure.


Now, back in the North West, things are still as turbulent as ever. I find myself being flaky and unreliable with my new friends. I'm not sure why this is as I abhor this quality in others. I know recently it has just been a combination of depression and something else that motivates me to just stay at home and...wallow.

There is still a lingering feeling of uncomfort. I'm not entirely sure why just yet, however I find myself feeling somewhat withdrawn and hesitant with others. Perhaps there is just a lingering loneliness (when hasn't there been in my life). It is just a lacking of connection between myself and others I think. The cause of this I've yet to determine. Something keeps me at a distance. Perhaps I'm just being too critical of the people I know, and using that as an excuse to be distant and safe from them. After all if they are too distant to hurt me I can remain safe.

This on top of my ongoing endless frustration at the current job market. I've had a few interviews since I graduated, but the vast majority of applications I send out never get calls back. This is infuriating. In rejection I can at least get some form of feedback or reaction, with no response I don't have any idea of what I can change or alter in order to get further improvements. So I can send out application after application making the same error and never know about it. I often find I'm too qualified for entry level positions, and too inexperienced for everything else. Leaving me completely screwed in regards to all but the most open positions (I.e. Starbucks).

If I can find anything that is at least part time I should be able to cover most of my bills, however that still leaves me short on the rest of the bills and the costs of actually living and enjoying life.

This all seems to combine in an unprecedented sense of hopelessness and frustration. I feel like Sisyphus.

Where to begin

Since leaving school I've often felt that I've lost a bit of my intelligence, at least in concerns of what I studied. A reasonable assertion I think, but, one of the other things I've noticed is that I seem to be loosing my emotional speech as well. I find it more difficult to pin down or express myself than I used to be able to.

This may be do to my not going to therapy anymore, but that seems to be an over-simplification of the issue.

One thing I do know is that I am still escaping regularly. I don't think I've sat to introspect in a good while and I'm not sure just what has built up in here. I have depression symptoms occasionally, but, they are vastly more inconsistent than they used to be. My appetite, for example, is even more sporadic than normal, and my habit of going days on end without eating has largely subsided. I'm just not sure what is going on these days.


I'm sure some of this has to due with still getting myself settled and established in a new city, obviously, but on the other hand, some of it feels different now. I know a good portion of my issues are stress and career related. I'm still terrified of not finding a position here, and what the consequences of that might be. I've made half jokes and disparaging comments towards escorting, but I would be far from the first or the last trans girl to end up doing things she didn't want to in order to survive.

In talking to a friend of mine the other night the topic came up, and got me thinking about just how my life would be altered by having to do that, and what would happen to my already fragile sense of self and urge for progression. If feeling stagnate drove me to attempt suicide years ago what will regression feel like?

I'm trying to not even consider that as an option. I have a ways to go before that happens, but I don't like not having an escape plan or a way out. Still, a day at a time so to speak. Things are still being resolved. I've gotten the loneliness issue somewhat abated, but it still lingers like a bad smell. The main issue I'm having at the moment is still financial and intimacy related. Not for a lack of opportunities, but it just seems the potential connections in my life are temporary distractions at best. My hopes for someone local are still somewhat dim. Until then, things are largely left ignored and forgotten as they remain to painful to ponder.

In that same conversation with a friend, he suggested I use the time to rediscover/reinvest in my passions. I couldn't think of what my passions are, I have a few hobbies, but..they don't drive my existence, they don't...excite me. Perhaps that is worth investigating, but, I haven't had any real passion in my life for as long as I can remember. I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up (aside from a girl), I never joined any activity clubs, I mainly did the things my friends did. One can't be passionate about being a follower.

Still, at least things are still progressing, chaotically, if nothing else.

Upsetting things

So, at an event the other night I was approached by someone who does vocal work. I didn't think much of it at the time, but when I got home I was quite upset about it. I'm not sure if it was simply the aspect that I was read as being trans, but that is my first inclination. At the same time, there is a lot of other things going on in my life that might be pushing the idea. Stress in general is pretty high as I'm still looking for employment and trying to get myself settled in this new fantastic place.

In actuality it wouldn't hurt for me to visit a vocal coach, but, perhaps because I recently received positive feedback on it, to have someone offer their coaching, I presume that they have read me, and that is contrary to my inclinations on my voice.

The more things change

Alright, so things have changed, a lot. I've mirrored this in the changing of the site as well, it still needs some rounded corners on some things before I'm satisfied with it, but I can worry about that later.

The reason I've not been writing lately is because I've indeed moved across the country to live in Seattle. This has been both amazing and depressing at the same time. It presents in itself a new situation for me, in which I'm not quite sure what to make of it.

I've been here for a few weeks now and things feel, strangely familiar. I love the city, I love being in a big city, being around people, I love the weather and how it changes like Texas' does, but doesn't get the negative aspects associated with. I love my apartment and its giant windows that radiate light into my small apartment when the sun is out. I'm not sure what more I could ask for in a city, it is routinely amazing that I actually get to live here.

Now, lets not be unrealistic here. It would be silly and disingenuous of my to say things are peachy keen and my life is amazing. That is far from the case here. I'm still under tremendous pressure to find a job, and while I have managed to find some potential work, it isn't reliable, or definite by any means. I've sent out countless applications only to have no response from nearly all of them. So that weight is slowly crushing down on me. As it always has. The other, is the persistent loneliness that accompanies me. It doesn't feel altogether different from when I was living with my parents, away from my friends. Indeed, thanks to the internet I still don't feel all that far away from them, but it is the daily ins and outs that get to me. I find myself escaping for hours on end, and for those few moments I'm not I feel strong urges of crying and sadness. Though this hasn't been habitual until recently, and may have coincided with my normal mood swings associated with my injections.

So, this ends up with my daily routine being either A, get up and go do something, or B, stay in and escape into the internet all day. Of course, in doing A, I also do B whenever I return back home. So aside from a few brief moments outside, there is little opportunity to meet my neighbors and such. I have attempted to read outside by the door stop a few times, with mixed results. Comfort also begins to be an issue with the relative cold here.

I think it boils down to a general dissatisfaction. I'm very much tired of waiting around for things, yet I'm not sure how to go out and actually get them aside from taking the slow patient route. I don't feel like I'm stagnating, yet. Which is good as that is my precursor for dangerous old habits, but my situation is unfavorable at the moment, and patience, and faith in things working out was something I was never good at.

tired

Words cannot describe how tired I am of discussing my employment status. It is the subject of a continuous lecture that I'm forced to endure. Basing opinions on my actions solely on perceptions of the affect of what I'm doing. This is akin to guessing what is happening in a room based on the vibrations you feel coming through the wall. The asininity of this boggles my mind. More so, despite pointing this out, it continues.

This strange need to reteach me how to provide for myself also only serves to humiliate and insult me. Simply because my plans doesn't resemble the typical one, does not mean I'm helpless.

This aside, there is hope for me venturing up to Seattle relatively soon. While I can make a go at it out there for marginally more than I normally do, it is still going to require additional finances. This may be provided for me (hopefully) fail this, then It will likely be sometime before I can get up there.

At this point, I am just so tired and sick of discussing the matter that I don't even want to think about it.

Machinations

The routine of things is starting to get to me. I find in my escapism I loose track of entire days at a time. I don't find this to be positive. I don't think I've actually sat and thought about life in a couple of months. It is just too painful to do at the moment. I've moved on from strangers who can't handle transwomen. It isn't that I think it won't hurt me next time, but more that the pain from that experience has been buried and healed over. As things are want to do.

My family life is deteriorating. My ability to care about the elder members is severely diminished, even the lamentations of my mother seems to fall on deaf ears these days. I just can't seem to find any capacity to really care about such terrible people. My mother in particular seems to prove to me that she has no concept of integrity at every turn.  My cousins, and my brother, and the only relatives I really muster up feelings for. I believe this is mainly because they have much better character traits even among their vices.  They have their issues, but they aren't ones to judge. I still don't feel any real connection to them, but I don't actively wish to disassociate with them like I do the rest of the family.

I've been flirting with people lately, mainly those who I know will reciprocate, even in vain. I'm not quite sure what is driving me to seek their reassurance. Perhaps it is just nice to enjoy the company of others now and then. My other relationships, one in particular, are tentatively disruptive and disturbing. It isn't that I wish harm to this person, I just have no desire to actively be around or involved with hir at this point in my life. I think it is still too painful.

In the meantime, I'm aching to leave Texas. It seems I can't leave soon enough. The job search however seems to keep pushing me back to square one, no matter how fruitful a particular lead or position seems to be. I know this is something I must get used to, job searching it seems is a definition in futility and frustration. It is difficult to not let the excitement of possibility and the frustration of disappointment get to me. In addition, I have trouble expressing the negative emotions because I don't want to let it get to me since it is likely going to happen multiple times.

My depression is still in a strange...unusual hidden state. I am attributing this to my living conditions, I don't feel normal while I'm in this house. I feel like I've regressed into my actress stage where I pretend nothing bothers me and everything is fine. This repression tends to erupt violently and I'm dreading what happens when it does. That said, this house is not good for me, and I may find ways to leave it for good regardless of employment or specific deadlines. I know my mother thinks I'm joking when I talk about working the street, I don't think she grasps my distaste for this environment. It sickens me to be here, and to see what it is doing to me.

Fuck you.

At this point I don't even know what to say anymore. I am so sick and tired of being forced to endure unbelievable inhuman bullshit simply because of who I am. It wouldn't be as bad, if I didn't have my trans status consistently shoved back into my face. It isn't just dealing with my body, that is a struggle in and of itself. In attempting to shop for dresses for my mother's upcoming wedding, every single dress Is worn by a model with features I can never have. Short of surgically altering my skeletal structure, my ribcage is never going to magical shrink its size, my shoulders will never be any less broad than they are. That I can usually tolerate on an average day.

What gets to me, is people, who think that because I'm trans, that it is appropriate to use that fact as an excuse to blow me off or suddenly express disinterest in me. It's enough to make a girl give up dating all together. Why should I even bother trying anymore, the few who express interest as it is always turn away as soon as they find out, so why not just beat them to the punch. Things like this make me feel like I'm destined to end up alone. Romantic possibilities always seem to boil down to fetishest or people I'm not attracted to. I apparently am not worthy of being with someone I actually like if I don't want to be alone.

Watching my mother get married doesn't help my feelings of isolation, loneliness, and longing. In many ways it feels like she is rubbing her cis privilege in my face on a daily basis. I've never wanted to be as far away from here as I do now.