Where to begin

Since leaving school I've often felt that I've lost a bit of my intelligence, at least in concerns of what I studied. A reasonable assertion I think, but, one of the other things I've noticed is that I seem to be loosing my emotional speech as well. I find it more difficult to pin down or express myself than I used to be able to.

This may be do to my not going to therapy anymore, but that seems to be an over-simplification of the issue.

One thing I do know is that I am still escaping regularly. I don't think I've sat to introspect in a good while and I'm not sure just what has built up in here. I have depression symptoms occasionally, but, they are vastly more inconsistent than they used to be. My appetite, for example, is even more sporadic than normal, and my habit of going days on end without eating has largely subsided. I'm just not sure what is going on these days.


I'm sure some of this has to due with still getting myself settled and established in a new city, obviously, but on the other hand, some of it feels different now. I know a good portion of my issues are stress and career related. I'm still terrified of not finding a position here, and what the consequences of that might be. I've made half jokes and disparaging comments towards escorting, but I would be far from the first or the last trans girl to end up doing things she didn't want to in order to survive.

In talking to a friend of mine the other night the topic came up, and got me thinking about just how my life would be altered by having to do that, and what would happen to my already fragile sense of self and urge for progression. If feeling stagnate drove me to attempt suicide years ago what will regression feel like?

I'm trying to not even consider that as an option. I have a ways to go before that happens, but I don't like not having an escape plan or a way out. Still, a day at a time so to speak. Things are still being resolved. I've gotten the loneliness issue somewhat abated, but it still lingers like a bad smell. The main issue I'm having at the moment is still financial and intimacy related. Not for a lack of opportunities, but it just seems the potential connections in my life are temporary distractions at best. My hopes for someone local are still somewhat dim. Until then, things are largely left ignored and forgotten as they remain to painful to ponder.

In that same conversation with a friend, he suggested I use the time to rediscover/reinvest in my passions. I couldn't think of what my passions are, I have a few hobbies, but..they don't drive my existence, they don't...excite me. Perhaps that is worth investigating, but, I haven't had any real passion in my life for as long as I can remember. I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up (aside from a girl), I never joined any activity clubs, I mainly did the things my friends did. One can't be passionate about being a follower.

Still, at least things are still progressing, chaotically, if nothing else.