Re:solvent

Apparently I have the resolve of lukewarm ice-cream. Earlier today I had a conversation with my ex about some shoes that I thought she would like, which led to a thought about getting any Christmas presents for her. My first reaction was strongly negative given everything that has happened between us lately. Though I ended up getting her something anyway. I'm not all together comfortable with the current situation, but there isn't much that is going to change that. While I did visit her the other day, it wasn't something...natural. It was very much forced relaxation on my part, and a constant effort to not think about the recent events. One of the things that bothered me was seeing little touches of her new interest all over the place. While that was somewhat of basically a confirmation, it isn't anything that was unknown before hand.

Which leaves me wondering what the point is. What do I expect to gain from all of this? I've learned of her indifference towards me, so what is with the urge to give something. More importantly, what do I want to say with it. Well, I have an idea of that, but...why bother.

It's times like this that make me want to just shrivel up, lay in bed, and slowly rot to death. The worst bit, is that I find myself reaching out to past interests when I would normally not bother, for the sake of filling the void. Relationships that may very well have some substance in them, but would be tainted and colored by this aspect.

I find myself withdrawing into seclusion again, falling into a emotional trap that I know there isn't an outlet for that doesn't involve some ugly situation and emotions. I've already gone through once this month, I'm not sure doing it again is going to be healthy.

Distractions

It's been a few days since my last episode and things are getting better. I spent a day down in San Antonio visiting a friend of mine. It was good just to get out of this town and out of my head. I want to say things are somewhat resolved between the parties involved. That doesn't mean I'm ready to take them camping and sing love songs to their relationship. It just means I don't want to annihilate myself on a daily basis. I'm not sure if things will ever get back to where they were, but thats just how things may have to be.

I still don't feel that the void created has been reduced or filled by anything. I feel very much alone much of the time, with good friends, but they aren't intimate relationships. With that, I find myself pursuing old relationships when, honestly, I don't feel I would be if I had a romantic interest. The past holds a plethora of possibilities and old mistakes to remake, but the argument of that being better than being alone is a valid one.

I'm almost done with the semester, with one class finished. My free time is soon going to be the entirety of my day, and that somewhat scares me as I tend to run into trouble when left alone for to long by myself and my mind.

Something to distract you, if you're like me and trying to escape from yourself.

Ambulette - "If You Go Away" (live) in D.C. Lyrics

Attendance

Friday night was particularly awful for me. Things in discussions deteriorated and I almost completely lost it. I haven't had moments like that in a long time. It was the first time that dark thoughts crept back into my head in awhile. I tried to talk to some people but no one was awake at the time, or in a position to really help me.  This past week has been populated with increadible emotionality, drinking in excess, self medicating, and various other vices.

Hopefully next week will go better, I have two exams that should be tolerable. The third exam isn't until the following Tuesday and that is the one I'm worried about. Aside from that, things are okay I guess. I'm still trying to piece myself back together after this week. I'm not sure how long that is going to take, but seeing as most of my friends leave to go back to wherever they are from in two weeks, hopefully I can do it before then. Trying to do it without them is going to be difficult, but ..at the same time, few of them are ever really there when I need them to be.

What Emotional Problems?

In an effort to provide more content, I present to you, another entry. 

Today went decently, I went to therapy to discuss everything that has been on my mind, and ended up scheduling another one right after the first one just to get things out of my head. Unfortunately she is taking 3 weeks off around Christmas, so she asked me to enter into a verbal contract (her words) in which I wouldn't do anything self destructive for the next six sessions. I agreed, and hopefully won't have to test it.

I finally got through reading Questionable Content, All 1547 issues of it. It started off as a rather obscure indie music comic but turned into a full on romantic comedy that I fell in love with. If you have about two weeks to spare reading, I highly suggest it. Now though I'm finally going to finish some novels that have been escaping me for the entire semester and summer.

I went to a Jazz Combo concert last night, and it really made me want to start playing again, but my options (much like my love life) are few and far between. If I don't dust things off they are going to start getting cobwebs.

Aside from that, no real news. My mother is being illogical. I haven't talked to my brother since last Wednesday, I'd like to go up and play some drums since I have to drive up to Austin on Friday anyway, but I'm somewhat afraid of/dissuaded from putting up with his bullshit.

I think I finally found at least one Christmas gift, ready for this? I need a small trash can for my bathroom. Yeah...that is all I have so far.

RE:gressions

So where to begin, well, things have regressed a good degree. I'm going to see my therapist again tomorrow afternoon to hopefully get some things figured out. Some people I thought were good friends turned out to be either complete idiots, or completely self absorbed. Regardless, it put me in a rather bleak mental state. This bleak state depressed me as a step backwards, which only fed on itself as negativity, which...well you can see the snowball forming.

Anyway, I'm recovering from that slowly, but surely. I fear I've fallen back into a state of depression though, (staying in bed all day, not caring about things, etc). I've been asked to find things to want for Christmas, but I honestly can't bring myself enough to care about anything enough to value it, over the effort involved in unwrapping/throwing away the associated paper products. Such is the state of my being.

I'm not sure if I've talked about this, but the hormones have just about killed off all of my sex drive, which in itself is a wonderful thing for me. However, these past three weeks or so have been very heavy in the emotional trauma department. This has made me...um...well lets just say...in need. The issue is though, how to go about solving it, it isn't a physical desire anymore (where as it used to be akin to the desire to really have to pee after a large drink), but more an emotional attachment/intimacy issue. So, I've found myself inviting people over with an underlying ulterior motive on my part, though it seems to be underneath most people's radar.

Which leads me to another point: Being trans, I don't feel comfortable just hitting on anyone I see. I identify as Pan-Sexual, but that doesn't mean everyone is going to be comfortable having a trans-woman hit on them. So I basically have to wait until someone initiates things. The overall effect is that I don't have a great deal of romantic/sexual interests.

However, combined with loosing what I thought were some good friends, and not having a significant other, I feel alone a lot of the time. I don't feel there are a lot of people that are close to me. Yes I have a good amount of great friends, who have helped me immensely during this most recent crisis, but I don't feel that my relationship with them is at that close of a level. I'm wanting an intimate relationship, and no one fills that/those spots anymore.

So getting back to the main issue, this pushed me back down on the mental stability chart to violent/hysterical crying. One thing I have noticed is that while I could shrug things off, and turn most things outwards before hormones (projecting anger when hurt, though I never really did that well) now I simply absorb everything and implode from the inside out. This makes me much more unstable when running highly emotional, as some people may know already.

Anyway, onto another subject, Thanksgiving was nice. It was the first time I've had one out of the closet. Everyone was very nice and understanding. My brother was fine up until everyone left when he apparently reverted to his asshole/douche-bag self. There was an expected curtailing of pronouns and names to fit my grandmother, but they tried, and I know it is a work in progress. I just hope it isn't something I end up having to drag out of them like it seems to be on my mother's side of the family.

One important issue did arise however, one that I though previously solved. I was offered financial funding to store my sperm in case I wanted to use it later. I had previously Kiboshed the idea because I didn't have nearly the money to do so, and wanted to start on my hormones without waiting X years until I had the money. However, now that the funding has been offered by my Step-Mothers sister Janel (who I adored regardless of offer). This has reopened a door I successfully closed and trotted over on my transition process.  The main issue here is having to stop my hormones for a length of time, as it is, my sperm count is probably nigh zero. I'd give anecdotal evidence, but I don't think lurid details of my masturbatory process are desired. So I would need to stop my hormone treatment for probably at least a month, something I am reluctant to do.

I know in the long run I would appreciate having done so, but it isn't as simple as that, storing the sperm now, would mean storing chemically altered sperm, my body chemistry is no longer that of a genetic male, and thus from my research, will increase the potential for birth defects.  This brings about an ethical question, do I have any right to bring a being into the world, fully knowing that it has an increased rate of being defective because of my own personal choices? Fully knowing the other options available for child raising (adoption, etc), can I ethically go through with it?

Granted just by saving it, doesn't mean I will have to use it, but then it becomes an argument of stopping my treatments, in order to fulfill the option of a choice in the future that I don't have the moral grounds to use/excise anyway...It is an interesting debate.

Disconnected

Just a short entry about feeling disconnected. I was visited by a friend of mine earlier today who I had a thing with before William (most recent relationship). We just laid around and talked, and I'm wanting that connection, be it physical or mental, again. I'd forgotten what it felt like honestly. Now I'm wanting to get back to that, but haven't found much luck. I have a few people that I know are interested in me, but they aren't really feasible. I'm not one to go out looking for relationships I think will fail, regardless of how cute the person is.

So, I've still not decided on what to do upon graduation. I can just hope that the economy gets better in the next year, otherwise I'm going to be in serious trouble. It's hard enough getting a job, let alone trying to get a decent paying one being trans. I know there are some companies that are more friendly than others, but the days of getting to be picky over who you work for are apparently over.

Mental State

Well it is about time for an update, since..well it has been to long. I find it easy to not write when I feel rather at ease so, I hope you don't go to long without visiting. My strain has transferred somewhat away from being trans, and more on general employment issues. While I'm still working on my Masters, i'm trying to find something I can do once I graduate. Easier said than done however.

I broke it off with the person I was seeing, well rather it was a mutual decision since we both knew we wouldn't marry the other. This was upsetting at the time, but a relieving as I think the way ze is going is not one I find attractive. Not that it is bad, it just isn't to my personal taste.

So to take back some of that compassion I've adopted a cat. She is the complete opposite of what I wanted, in that she is very generic looking. I wanted something a bit unique and different, but I feel in love with this one and her adorableness. I'm still getting used to it, but so far it isn't to bad.

Regarding the medication, I had my dosage of anti-androgens doubles, and my estrogen injection frequency halved. This was fairly recent so I haven't seen much of a difference in the marginal rate of change, but hopefully things will begin to accelerate.

Things are strange, I'm not doing well in school, something about a lack of motivation and burnout, I've had unfair dreams about having things I want, and don't have. My body image isn't going so well, the changes are desirable, but the image I have isn't fitting yet. On top of that I think I found my first wrinkle. This all culminates in that I'm apparently obsessed with young beauty, and my lack of it. I decided to diet for the next week for the party on Thursday. not that I'm especially fat, but seeing as I exercise very little, I would like my mid section to look...better.

Things are just very chaotic, and I find it hard to find much to be happy about. It isn't a relapse into depression over the trans issue, it is more just a melancholy that i'm used to. Yes i'm working on improving things, but it is never enough. Combine that with the lack of positive in my daily life, and it leads to emptiness.