Not even my final form.

It feels weird to be trans now. That might seem, like an odd statement, so let me explain.

For a long time I've distanced myself from the trans community because I felt ashamed of being trans. That, largely from terrible people teaching me it was something to be ashamed of, meant that being in the trans community meant facing my trans status. I acknowledged it, and dealt with it, but it was never celebrated. It was too painful to celebrate. I'm sure there's a post here from years ago where I can't imagine how or why anyone would celebrate or take pride in being trans. It felt like taking pride in being disfigured or injured, sure you can celebrate surviving it, but no one celebrates the fact that you are it.

That..feels different now. I know this is, sort of shitty of me to admit, but it feels much more acceptable for me to label myself trans, now that I don't have to deal with the worst aspect of it. Being post-op, I gain a great deal of privilege that most trans folk don't have to deal with. I no longer have to have "that conversation" with people about my genitals. I no longer have to stress out about if a person I'm into, is going to abandon me because my parts don't match what they're expecting.

I have this routine every time I shower. I get out, I dry off, and while I dry off my legs, I lean over and try to touch my toes. It feels nice as a stretch, and also, coincidentally puts me eye level at my parts. For years..YEARS this moment was filled with some combination of animosity, hatred, shame, loathing, or at best ambivalence. This routine continues now, but it's never filled with any of those feelings.

I look in the mirror, and think, is this the body I always wanted (mostly), is this how I wanted to look? This all seems like shit I should have thought about in Thailand, but to be honest so much of that time is spent in a hazy clusterfuck of healing and therapy and crazyness that you never get much downtime to just sit, and stare, and think about how insane it is to have something, you've dreamed about for the last 19 years. I get teary eyed if I stare at it, and this weird smirk, it's sad to me, that being comfortable in my body, in how it moves, and how it looks at different angles feels so foreign. I'm glad, but also sad that it took this long just to feel normal.

I feel like a trans ally now, rather than a member of the community. Do I have any right to carry that flag now that I don't have to deal with as many of the negative aspects of it? I suspect I do, but I'm not sure.

The other side of this, is I have this strange confidence and assuredness in expressing my sexuality that I never had before. It feels very strange, and okay to post nude photos without feeling disgust or shame. I find myself flirting more, and being a lot more open and expressive with my body and sexuality. I was always a very sexually drive person, I love that connection and intimacy that I have with people, but so much of it was bottled and restrained (really should be a bondage pun here) by dealing with the trans shame that it came out in (heh) small, isolated spurts. It was always a restrained confidence, one of first acts only, one I couldn't pursue in front of people, or at my own whim. It had to always be carefully planned and organized as to avoid being seen.

Now though, well, I'm no longer bound by that shame. I'm as light as the wind, as strong as the sea, and I won't be bound by any such small thing again.