A long time coming

I've been meaning to write this for a while, but haven't managed to find the time in my normal pre-sleep time. A few weeks ago I managed to have my first orgasm post surgery. The mechanics aside, it was a an intense experience.

Outside the muscle and pleasurable aspects. While I was cleaning up and showering, I started to laugh, and cry, as this wave of mirth and contentment washed over me. There was just this ocean of warmth and relaxation that came in getting that weight and worry off me. I had been really anxious about not being able to orgasm since my previous attempts had been unfruitful. I'd started to think I was just broken, and doomed to a life of unfulfilled sex, and unfulfilled relationships. Sex, is, and was, a huge part of my life. It's always been the catalyst for the emotional intimacy that I crave. It's when I'm my most open and vulnerable, and sharing that mental space, with someone who is just as vulnerable, and connected with me, is, well, it's like no other feeling I have.

In the past, that love has always had a sideline of shame, of incongruence, dissonance, and disharmony. Sex was always like a musical chord with one note slightly out of tune. You got most of what you wanted to hear, but it wasn't right. It was that slight drizzle when you wanted pouring rain, the inch of snow when you wanted three to close down schools. I always got the sense that what I felt was..close enough to what it should be. But it never felt whole.

In that orgasm, I left behind all the surgery baggage. I've no regrets or worries about it anymore.

But also, in that orgasm, I left behind all the negative body shame and baggage that I've felt in every previous orgasm. That emotional self-disparaging wave of shame that always followed like the bad comic that always seems to open for your favorite act. Experiencing the bliss of an intense body orgasm, with no negative emotional baggage of shame or the normal self-loathing that I'd contained, and quartered, and carted off into their own little mental spaces, was..well..enough for me to cry tears of joy for the first time in my life. It was mind-shattering, and world shaping.

It's such a strange place to be in. I promised myself I'd rip open every ugly root of my experience that I didn't like. So far, so good.

The evening that followed said experience, was filled with good friends, and a party, that involved a good fifty people cheering, celebrating, and toasting, to my orgasm. It's a surreal moment that I don't think I'll ever forget. It was, fantastic, and awe inspiring.

It feels, weird to be happy again. Which, in itself is a sad statement. I'm glad to be where I am, not that I'm satisfied however.