6.04.2015

A Eulogy for a Relationship

Fights come and go, as do partners. She came and got her stuff, without issue. The goodbye was a bit awkward and, for me, a bit sadly nonchalant. Though I'm the hopeless romantic of our pairing (and most to be honest). The week since has been mostly trouble free. A few down moments that get combined into messy balls of depression, but overall more just peaceful, calm, sadness, rather than outright heart ache or grieving loss that it used to be.

I think about her on occasion, which, is going to happen. I'm not beating myself up for that, as I did with prior relationships. There are times where I'm longing for something, and unsure what it is, that I think she becomes a focal point for a lot of things, simply out of familiarity. It's a longing for a relationship (I think), and that intimacy and connection that is no longer there. Not necessarily a longing for her, specifically.

That's all rehash though. Closing the book on that chapter does my heart good, for all the loss it brings. I promised myself I'd be ruthless this year in changing what I was unhappy with. I almost have to force myself to be selfish in doing what is right for me, rather than thinking of other people's needs and wants first. That is what ends up keeping me in places where I'm taken advantage of, or throwing away good emotional energy at a lost cause.

A few things did come up in processing all this though. On some level, a part of me is exceedingly angry that I put up with people who treat me like shit, or who refuse to take my feelings into consideration. I'm not quite sure why it is that I stick myself to people and give them chance after chance after chance to prove me wrong, when I know they only continue to disappoint me with their selfishness.

I should have ended things when she wouldn't compromise with me on our relationship boundaries. When it became a dictatorship, with only her needs being considered by her, it was over. Yet I stayed for another six months, watching it slowly deteriorate and rot from the inside thinking I could somehow save it. When really, neither one of us had the strength to just end things then and there.

I blame that on myself. For all my emotional strength, I fall into a trap of romance. I talk myself into doing emotionally irrational actions. I tell myself "but what if this is the last time I see her" or "what if I just needed to do this one thing to fix this". Despite the fact I know people don't change. It is just a part of me. The source of my sweetness and compassion is also the source of my idiocy and unperceptive stupor. Love blind in a true sense.

At this point, I deal with the loss, and the stray thoughts, and I move on with my life. As I've done with so many other relationships. There are many other opportunities for change I need to breach, and new folks to meet that are hopefully a bit more compatible. I have an idea of where I want my life to go, it's just a matter of getting there. And hopefully, managing to not destroy myself on the way.

No comments:

Post a Comment