5.21.2012

Rambling

So, this one will be  a bit scatterbrained so, take it as you will.

I'm feeling very alone recently. I've been more social and been with more people than usual, but it still feels vacant. I'm not sure if it has to do with not seeing my partner, or just a really shitty weekend, but it definitely feels hollow.

Not that it is anyone's fault, however. People have been very nice, sweet, supportive, and great friends, it's just...nothing feels fulfilling, so to speak. There is always something lacking.

I feel myself slipping again. I know I'm still recovering from my last bad trip, but it is getting harder to turn off that mindset. I have to actively work to not fall into depression, and I don't want to go back down there as right now I don't think I'd be able to get out for a few weeks or months.

I'm trying very hard to not focus on the bad, but, it just seems to be piling up to a point of breaking me. The armistice I have with my body is growing more tense and I feeling the twinge of self mutilation flaring up again. I feel that electric infuriation building in my arms.

It's funny, my grandfather was an electrician, and he always described electricity as a daemon always waiting to get out if you give it any change to. I find the metaphor strikingly suiting for my purposes here in reference to the energy that my anger and wrath are building inside me.

I find myself searching for and being drawn to strong female influences in the wake of my partners absence. I keep wishing I could cherry pick different aspects from people and combine them into someone who does everything right. I understand this...is silly. That no one will ever meet what I'm wanting, and that it is childish to continue to want it.

Everything feels muted, I feel weak, and I find myself being overwhelmed.

5.20.2012

Being Shredded

I have a very narrow sense of self. Last night, while undergoing a pretty horrible bad trip, I became unraveled. I couldn't remember what I looked like anymore, and anytime I did, all I saw were caricatures of myself. Pictures of me as a child, toon-ified version, older versions of me from my adolescence. None however, were post transition.

I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being seen threw. The normal barriers of confidence and security that I have in place around myself were gone. It felt very much like I had detransitioned, and was extremely noticeable. I felt ugly, hideous, false, lied to, insecure,deformed, disfigured, and monstrous.
There is a reason I don't, or can't, handle a lack of control over my body. My sense of self is so entirely dependent on my post-transition identity, that without it I fall apart. I have disassociated with my past so much that I don't even recognize it as part of myself anymore. Without who I am now, I'm left without knowing who or what I am, and in complete horror.

There, is another issue, as well. As I find myself more involved in sexual activity, I find my dysphoria is increasing as well. Generally, if I don't have to see myself, then I can enjoy things. I am noticing however that I'm beginning to box myself in with comparisons. Seeing other people is now starting to simply remind me, so that I can't enjoy just being with someone without feeling the self loathing that comes.

As a quick aside, it isn't a loathing for who I am as a person, it is a loathing for my situation, my body, and my general hatred of said body. I completely, and utterly loath that I have to debate issues like pools, hottubs, and just the ability to be intimate with people.


By and large my situation has improved to the point that my mental and emotional state is now being dragged down and hindered by my body and dysphoria. While that is a worthy accomplishment, and I'm glad I've progressed to said point, having my body now re-emphasize the things I hate about it is crippling my mentality and stabbing me in the spine. It is hobbling my emotional progress and actively destroying who I am, and who I've defined myself to be.

I don't suppose anyone has 20 grand to spare do they?

5.02.2012

Dear Self, 3 months Later

Dear Self,

It's been three months, have you learned nothing? Here you are again, puffing yourself up, pretending to be this big strong person that we both know you can be. You don't, normally take shit from people. I'm not sure why you think simply because you were/are in love with someone that it was alright to take it from hir.

You have got to stop being the little puppy that gets kicked around and asks for more. That isn't the type of person you are, and it is beneath you. You've stood up to worse, and you've fought back against bigger.

I understand. As Chris said, it is a lightning bolt, that...jars your systems. It was the first time, and that is rightfully going to mean things for you. Unfortunately that meaning isn't shared, and while it may be painful to deal with, it is no less the truth. I understand the flood of new chemicals, new emotions, and new feelings that were unleashed. It is normal to not know how to handle things. It is normal to be afraid of it, to be unsure of it, and to worry about what it means.

I understand how frightening it is to have your defenses shredded in an instant because of how someone looks at you. The intensity, and vulnerability of that.

But YOU must understand that, it is not unique. Simply because this is the first experience for you, doesn't mean it is the last, or that it won't happen again.

I know you're at the paramount, that as long as you can maintain that will to resist, you will be alright. Rest assured it is not, your fault, or because of anything about you or what you did. You don't need to regret, and you don't need to apologize.

You have an amazing ability for compassion, but often you let this overrun your self preservation. You want to make partners happy, to give them pleasure. You do this to the detriment of your own emotional health and needs. It isn't that you need to be with this person, you just want to be giving and sweet, even if that means your own destruction.

In the words of one of your favorite songs, "I wouldn't self destruct for anybody else".

It makes a pretty verse, but it is no way to live your life.

Lastly, I know you are afraid, I'm afraid also. But, as they say, life starts at 30. You've got plenty of time to enjoy life, and plenty of time to meet new people. Don't be afraid of wasting your youth, or your looks. Enjoy them, cherish them. You will always have them, just in different forms. You've always been one of grace. Aging will continue that grace. You know what you don't want to be, and you won't be that.