Dear Self,
It's been three months, have you learned nothing? Here you are again, puffing yourself up, pretending to be this big strong person that we both know you can be. You don't, normally take shit from people. I'm not sure why you think simply because you were/are in love with someone that it was alright to take it from hir.
You have got to stop being the little puppy that gets kicked around and asks for more. That isn't the type of person you are, and it is beneath you. You've stood up to worse, and you've fought back against bigger.
I understand. As Chris said, it is a lightning bolt, that...jars your systems. It was the first time, and that is rightfully going to mean things for you. Unfortunately that meaning isn't shared, and while it may be painful to deal with, it is no less the truth. I understand the flood of new chemicals, new emotions, and new feelings that were unleashed. It is normal to not know how to handle things. It is normal to be afraid of it, to be unsure of it, and to worry about what it means.
I understand how frightening it is to have your defenses shredded in an instant because of how someone looks at you. The intensity, and vulnerability of that.
But YOU must understand that, it is not unique. Simply because this is the first experience for you, doesn't mean it is the last, or that it won't happen again.
I know you're at the paramount, that as long as you can maintain that will to resist, you will be alright. Rest assured it is not, your fault, or because of anything about you or what you did. You don't need to regret, and you don't need to apologize.
You have an amazing ability for compassion, but often you let this overrun your self preservation. You want to make partners happy, to give them pleasure. You do this to the detriment of your own emotional health and needs. It isn't that you need to be with this person, you just want to be giving and sweet, even if that means your own destruction.
In the words of one of your favorite songs, "I wouldn't self destruct for anybody else".
It makes a pretty verse, but it is no way to live your life.
Lastly, I know you are afraid, I'm afraid also. But, as they say, life starts at 30. You've got plenty of time to enjoy life, and plenty of time to meet new people. Don't be afraid of wasting your youth, or your looks. Enjoy them, cherish them. You will always have them, just in different forms. You've always been one of grace. Aging will continue that grace. You know what you don't want to be, and you won't be that.
It's been three months, have you learned nothing? Here you are again, puffing yourself up, pretending to be this big strong person that we both know you can be. You don't, normally take shit from people. I'm not sure why you think simply because you were/are in love with someone that it was alright to take it from hir.
You have got to stop being the little puppy that gets kicked around and asks for more. That isn't the type of person you are, and it is beneath you. You've stood up to worse, and you've fought back against bigger.
I understand. As Chris said, it is a lightning bolt, that...jars your systems. It was the first time, and that is rightfully going to mean things for you. Unfortunately that meaning isn't shared, and while it may be painful to deal with, it is no less the truth. I understand the flood of new chemicals, new emotions, and new feelings that were unleashed. It is normal to not know how to handle things. It is normal to be afraid of it, to be unsure of it, and to worry about what it means.
I understand how frightening it is to have your defenses shredded in an instant because of how someone looks at you. The intensity, and vulnerability of that.
But YOU must understand that, it is not unique. Simply because this is the first experience for you, doesn't mean it is the last, or that it won't happen again.
I know you're at the paramount, that as long as you can maintain that will to resist, you will be alright. Rest assured it is not, your fault, or because of anything about you or what you did. You don't need to regret, and you don't need to apologize.
You have an amazing ability for compassion, but often you let this overrun your self preservation. You want to make partners happy, to give them pleasure. You do this to the detriment of your own emotional health and needs. It isn't that you need to be with this person, you just want to be giving and sweet, even if that means your own destruction.
In the words of one of your favorite songs, "I wouldn't self destruct for anybody else".
It makes a pretty verse, but it is no way to live your life.
Lastly, I know you are afraid, I'm afraid also. But, as they say, life starts at 30. You've got plenty of time to enjoy life, and plenty of time to meet new people. Don't be afraid of wasting your youth, or your looks. Enjoy them, cherish them. You will always have them, just in different forms. You've always been one of grace. Aging will continue that grace. You know what you don't want to be, and you won't be that.
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