Being Shredded

I have a very narrow sense of self. Last night, while undergoing a pretty horrible bad trip, I became unraveled. I couldn't remember what I looked like anymore, and anytime I did, all I saw were caricatures of myself. Pictures of me as a child, toon-ified version, older versions of me from my adolescence. None however, were post transition.

I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being seen threw. The normal barriers of confidence and security that I have in place around myself were gone. It felt very much like I had detransitioned, and was extremely noticeable. I felt ugly, hideous, false, lied to, insecure,deformed, disfigured, and monstrous.
There is a reason I don't, or can't, handle a lack of control over my body. My sense of self is so entirely dependent on my post-transition identity, that without it I fall apart. I have disassociated with my past so much that I don't even recognize it as part of myself anymore. Without who I am now, I'm left without knowing who or what I am, and in complete horror.

There, is another issue, as well. As I find myself more involved in sexual activity, I find my dysphoria is increasing as well. Generally, if I don't have to see myself, then I can enjoy things. I am noticing however that I'm beginning to box myself in with comparisons. Seeing other people is now starting to simply remind me, so that I can't enjoy just being with someone without feeling the self loathing that comes.

As a quick aside, it isn't a loathing for who I am as a person, it is a loathing for my situation, my body, and my general hatred of said body. I completely, and utterly loath that I have to debate issues like pools, hottubs, and just the ability to be intimate with people.


By and large my situation has improved to the point that my mental and emotional state is now being dragged down and hindered by my body and dysphoria. While that is a worthy accomplishment, and I'm glad I've progressed to said point, having my body now re-emphasize the things I hate about it is crippling my mentality and stabbing me in the spine. It is hobbling my emotional progress and actively destroying who I am, and who I've defined myself to be.

I don't suppose anyone has 20 grand to spare do they?