Rambling

So, this one will be  a bit scatterbrained so, take it as you will.

I'm feeling very alone recently. I've been more social and been with more people than usual, but it still feels vacant. I'm not sure if it has to do with not seeing my partner, or just a really shitty weekend, but it definitely feels hollow.

Not that it is anyone's fault, however. People have been very nice, sweet, supportive, and great friends, it's just...nothing feels fulfilling, so to speak. There is always something lacking.

I feel myself slipping again. I know I'm still recovering from my last bad trip, but it is getting harder to turn off that mindset. I have to actively work to not fall into depression, and I don't want to go back down there as right now I don't think I'd be able to get out for a few weeks or months.

I'm trying very hard to not focus on the bad, but, it just seems to be piling up to a point of breaking me. The armistice I have with my body is growing more tense and I feeling the twinge of self mutilation flaring up again. I feel that electric infuriation building in my arms.

It's funny, my grandfather was an electrician, and he always described electricity as a daemon always waiting to get out if you give it any change to. I find the metaphor strikingly suiting for my purposes here in reference to the energy that my anger and wrath are building inside me.

I find myself searching for and being drawn to strong female influences in the wake of my partners absence. I keep wishing I could cherry pick different aspects from people and combine them into someone who does everything right. I understand this...is silly. That no one will ever meet what I'm wanting, and that it is childish to continue to want it.

Everything feels muted, I feel weak, and I find myself being overwhelmed.