11.25.2012

Updates, and innebriation.

I am again, forcing this issue, I feel like I am peeling a scab off so that it heals properly. I honestly can't say where my head has been these past two weeks or so. Some moments have been nice, others I have felt completely and utterly lost.

This, perhaps, culminated in a salient moment on Thanksgiving Day. Amid the stress, and alcohol, I lost myself. I began to have intense sadistic fantasies or abusing random people, at my whim, for no reason. That, isn't who I am, and is a drastic change from how alcohol normally alters my mood and personality. More and more I find myself feeling like I am losing control when I am inebriated. It feels like I lose hours that I might have enjoyed. A while later, I attempted not to drink, and failed miserably, only to have the same urges come back for a second before I pushed them aside.

I will be making an honest attempt to not drink anymore, at least for a while, until I manage to center myself a bit more, and get a larger control over my substances. I have seen much of my family destroyed by substance, and I very much do not want to follow similar paths.

I worry about this however, specifically in relation to potential relationships, and the people in my life who like to drink.

My shakes, withdrawal, and day dreaming has gotten pretty bad when I'm not strictly engaged in escapism or distraction. I'm not entirely sure why, and hopefully I can figure that out, but I wanted to at least, get this out as an update to what is going on.


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