I'm not sure where to begin. I feel utterly lost, and helpless. I look back at my city as I walk home, and ask myself what the fuck am I doing here. I can't help but keep my frustration and anger at a minimum and dive fully into escapism. Walking home has become a trial of how long I can hold back my tears until I can find another venture to stick my brain into. Books, games, movies, television, other people. It is all just one form of escapism or another, and nothing really alleviates the prime issues.
I am still unable to find a reason, something that gives my life meaning. I just don't understand why I am doing this, or anything. What is the point? I work, so that I can provide for myself, until my body dies anyway. That implies some sort of benefit from being alive, which, I fail at the moment to comprehend or understand.
I feel old habits returning again. meh. I honestly can't be bothered to care anymore.
I am still unable to find a reason, something that gives my life meaning. I just don't understand why I am doing this, or anything. What is the point? I work, so that I can provide for myself, until my body dies anyway. That implies some sort of benefit from being alive, which, I fail at the moment to comprehend or understand.
I feel old habits returning again. meh. I honestly can't be bothered to care anymore.
Let me then ask you this... How many of the goals you set out and achieved have given you true happiness? While working towards these goals, did you feel happy or stressed out? After reaching these goals, did you stop to enjoy the result, or did you plod on mindless towards other distant goals?
ReplyDeleteI say goals because you talk about anger, escapism, and helplessness as though they are what you're really so focused on.
Why don't you try instead, for a change, to just enjoy what you are doing, without worrying about the end result or the purpose? Ask any successful and wealthy person who is also happy, and they will tell you that they did what they loved to do, not because it would make them wealthy, but because they loved to do it.
It is as though you are searching so hard for a question that has no real answer and allowing it to eat you alive, from the inside out.
When you learn to simply enjoy the journey, the destination is always the right one for you. Within you there is the awareness of what is right for you. All that you need to do is to let that happen. Do not resist, just accept what life dishes out to you; flow with it in acceptance.