Road Closures

The sadness, turns into anger. I don't express anger well, or often. I feel hurt, over how things ended, that someone can be so careless, and apathetic towards a relationship that I held very close and dear to me. The aspect that all of the intense emotionality that was expressed, at the end of the day, comes down such petty nuance and, routine apathetic dismissal of my feelings and emotions, is extremely hurtful.

I now find myself, wounded, and feeling this, very much.

Portishead - Glory Box, Live in Roseland New York

Particularly the opening lines:

I'm so tired of playing / Playing with this bow and arrow / Gonna give my heart away / Leave it to the other girls to play / For I've been a temptress too long / Just... / Give me a reason to love you.

I grow weary of this search for companionship. I don't feel like I've really felt contentment or, unguarded in a long, long time. Definitely not since transitioning. I have only fallen in love once. In that time, I felt a hint, a tortuous and temptatious waft of what it was like to be emotionally naked and still loved.

I struggle, with the fatalism. My romantic nature wants to cling to the notion that one day, we will return to that love and bond that I felt last winter, an eternity ago. It is easier to accept if I think of it not as an ending, but a pausing. That one day our fates will mesh once again. Yet, I do not want to spend the rest of my life trying to recreate what I experienced, trying to find someone, or trying to pursue what was. I don't want to  can't wait around for someone to realize my value, or finally figure out what I offered to them.

The pain, comes from knowing that I am giving up the best idea or approximation of happiness that I have ever found. While that has been gone, for a long time, I detest and hate having to close that avenue off from my emotional heart.