The last time I cut it was a farce. It felt forced, it didn't relieve any tension, stress, or sadness. While I did get the normal Euphoria, It was brief and fleeting. I have felt, recently, that it is the only way I can stop what I'm doing now, which is arguably worse. I broke down last Saturday morning, and have actively, willfully repressed every single negative emotion I've had since then.
My body, has already taken the burnt of this burden. I'm tense constantly, my muscles are constantly aching and sore. I have no appetite to speak of, my eating has been out of social pressure and habit. I twitch, endlessly. What are normally regulated to small bursts whenever a flood of negativity hits me, usually at night while I try to sleep, it comes like monster in a horror movie, popping up at me from the corners of my vision and just in front of my face. This now happens throughout the day. I often look down to notice I'm putting deep marks into my skin, teeth marks, nail marks, scratches, that I don't remember leaving at the time.
But above all, I feel numb. I get hints of emotion here and there, but mostly I feel like they are just small portions of the overwhelming geyser that is waiting for me when something triggers the flood, and when it comes, it will not be easily dismissed.
Where before, I could tolerate the trials, now I have to avoid them completely. I don't dare risk going down a street with sentimental value, a thought about dancing, about certain smells, ideas, or visuals.
I am moving on, and accepting the truth of things. My loss is no longer for a specific person, it is for that which I lack and desire, for all the slow dances that are given to so many other people while I sit alone.
I can stand just about any crippling pain as long as I have someone who asks me to dance. Alone however, it just feels pointless dancing in a room of mirrors with the worst possible critics on every single aspect of my life. I already know what they say, and I can't change any of it.
I've come to a point where I need more in my life than a mediocre relationship and indifference. Has the sum of my life up to now led to this pathetic mockery of happiness and satisfaction? Where a pale forgery of a woman goes to work day after day for absolutely no reason or purpose only to come home one day a true stereotype and spinsterly old crone so shut off from the world and her heart that she doesn't realize she died 20-30 years ago.
Just, for once, for... ONCE, I'd like to wake up and not ask myself what the point was. Because it certainly isn't to have fun and enjoy the ride, this hasn't been fun since I was 10 years old. I have been enraged, constantly since then, and the only reason I manage anything other than burning the world down is because I'm too fucking emotionally exhausted.
My body, has already taken the burnt of this burden. I'm tense constantly, my muscles are constantly aching and sore. I have no appetite to speak of, my eating has been out of social pressure and habit. I twitch, endlessly. What are normally regulated to small bursts whenever a flood of negativity hits me, usually at night while I try to sleep, it comes like monster in a horror movie, popping up at me from the corners of my vision and just in front of my face. This now happens throughout the day. I often look down to notice I'm putting deep marks into my skin, teeth marks, nail marks, scratches, that I don't remember leaving at the time.
But above all, I feel numb. I get hints of emotion here and there, but mostly I feel like they are just small portions of the overwhelming geyser that is waiting for me when something triggers the flood, and when it comes, it will not be easily dismissed.
Where before, I could tolerate the trials, now I have to avoid them completely. I don't dare risk going down a street with sentimental value, a thought about dancing, about certain smells, ideas, or visuals.
I am moving on, and accepting the truth of things. My loss is no longer for a specific person, it is for that which I lack and desire, for all the slow dances that are given to so many other people while I sit alone.
I can stand just about any crippling pain as long as I have someone who asks me to dance. Alone however, it just feels pointless dancing in a room of mirrors with the worst possible critics on every single aspect of my life. I already know what they say, and I can't change any of it.
I've come to a point where I need more in my life than a mediocre relationship and indifference. Has the sum of my life up to now led to this pathetic mockery of happiness and satisfaction? Where a pale forgery of a woman goes to work day after day for absolutely no reason or purpose only to come home one day a true stereotype and spinsterly old crone so shut off from the world and her heart that she doesn't realize she died 20-30 years ago.
Just, for once, for... ONCE, I'd like to wake up and not ask myself what the point was. Because it certainly isn't to have fun and enjoy the ride, this hasn't been fun since I was 10 years old. I have been enraged, constantly since then, and the only reason I manage anything other than burning the world down is because I'm too fucking emotionally exhausted.
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