Concerns & Consolidations

I wrote these four entries over on a different site, but wanted to move them here. They revolve around things that have been on my mind, concerns and feelings of frustration.

Ageing & Materialism. April 24, 2012

I'm old. I'm getting older. I'm not young anymore. By and large, I find myself being stressed out by my self-imposed sense of progress. I'm nearly 27, I should have done so much more by now.

I feel like I should be paying a mortgage, instead of paying rent.

I feel like I should paying a car note, instead of neglecting car repairs.

I feel like I should be recovering from surgery, instead of planning for it still.

There is just, so much I expected to have done by now, so much I want to have already. I'm tired. I'm tired of sleeping in tiny rooms, with tiny accommodations in shitty neighborhoods. I'm tired of eating top ramen, and constantly being worried about finances.

I'm getting to that point where, I want to settle down. I have moved, literally every 9 months, for the past 8 years. I am tired of it. I'm tired of new carpet. I'm tired of not buying heavy things because of the hassle of moving them (air mattress anyone?).Which, gets me to the next part. I want to get married. I want to settle down with someone (not necessarily monogamously) and start a life together. I have wonderful friends, and a wonderful partner, but, what I want, is not going to happen, in my life as it is.

I would not, opt for things over people, ever.

But I am starting to feel my age.

Fears and Rape play. April 18th, 2012

Here is an honest list of things I'm afraid of:

Being ugly:
Being mutilated, limb amputations, breast cancer/masectomys,
disfigurement or burnings. It isn't a fear of the pain or the
inconvenience, though the lack of freedom is a part, it is the aspect of
being ugly that horrifies me.

I find my genitals ugly. The mere idea of being tied up and displayed naked to a large group of people almost brings me to tears. It isn't that I think people will laugh or make fun, (at least not in this crowd) but more it is something I have so much animosity, hatred, and shame for that displaying it, brings out the worst of my gender dysphoria.

Rape:
Being raped, but more so, I'm afraid that I'll enjoy it. I have had many dear friends and partners who are victims of sexual abuse/rape. I fear that I believe on some level being raped is validation of my gender, and thus I on some level seek it out. I'm afraid that people will judge me for that, and that it will trivialize the fucking awful experiences of
my close friends and they will resent, hate me for it, justifiably in my opinion.

On some level I have this bullshit belief that it is a right of passage. Like somehow, by being victimized, I get my Cunt card and a formal letter saying I've had a hard life. I do NOT believe that this is what other people do, or have done. This is just a look at how I believe my perceptions/thoughts are being motivated.

Being Homeless:
It plays into the other two, the fear of having to prostitute myself to make ends meet, or of being stuck on the street, being unable to transition or have the inner peace that HRT gives me. A lot of this ties into regressing.

Of Regressing:
I have a great and stuttering fear of regression, or degression to pre-transition. It ties into to feeling ugly and unwanted. The idea of returning to that hideous form is not appealing to me. I did not fit in that body, it was in a very real sense, not mine. I fear what it would do to me emotionally to regress. The one taste I have had of it, was...shocking.

Of invalidation:
This one is out there, but, I fear being invalidated as a woman. That, somehow or another I'm just a gay man who can't handle the homophobia. The idea that underneath all of this, I'm male, is ..horrifying. It makes me cringe.

I don't feel that way, as I am secure in who I am, and my gender identity, but it is another reason why the abuse I have had, tends to hurt more. The calling a transgirl a man insult is an easy one for enemies to pick up, and it unfortunately hits on this fear. It is just a strange fear that, some scientist or whoever will develop a method of fixing trans people, that we are all just a chemical inbalance and when switched off, we will suddenly go "oh hey, that's right, I'm a dude", rather than having our physicality be our problem.

Anyway.

I wanted to put these out there in a large sense to both talk about them, and to get them out of me. To put them in text so that I can see them, discuss them, and move on from them. You'll notice a common theme around validation of my gender, which shouldn't be surprising.


Solitary, in and un to myself. April 16th, 2012

So, Friday, a comment was made that has been churning around in my brain for the better part of 2-3 days now.

The summary, was that I'd rather be with a someone I found creepy, than be alone.

This is a, common, statement I hear. The general idea that I'm terrified of being alone, or that I can't handle being alone. That I lower my standards or allow myself to be in unpleasant circumstances if it means an end to loneliness.

Aside from talking about it, I'm not sure what else I can do to dissuade people of this opinion. So, here is that attempt.

My default, normal mood and behavior is that of being alone. I spent a great deal of time in my childhood/teenage learning to be isolated, pushing people away, keeping people at a distance, never letting myself get too close to people, lest they find out my secrets and ostracize me for it. For a very long time I suffered from social anxiety disorder. I still get it sometimes in regards to phone calls and calling people I haven't spoken with before on the phone.

While this is secure, it is quite boring, and emotionallyfrustrating. That said, I can and do fall back into this state relatively easily. I am an introvert, being around large groups of people extracts energy from me, and drains me. Especially in the kink scene, I'm constantly surrounded by things that push my emotional boundaries in regards to gender dysmorphia, isolation, jealousy, intimacy, confidence, and even love. (Ask me how often I notice I'm the only trans person in a room).

All of these things I do, because I want to, I do them because sitting at home, in my room, is a wasted life. I put myself out there not because I'm afraid of being alone, but  \because I'm tired of it, because pushing myself is the only way I got where I am, and the only way I will get where I want to be. Despite the energy it takes, the vulnerability (that I hate) on my end for rejection (and there has been a lot of it), the lack of security, and sometimes
disregard for my personal safety.

I enjoy people, talking, meeting, discussing, debating, exchanging energy via communication or physical touch, there is an electricity in that, that I find rewarding.

The Importance of Definitions, April 8, 2012

I place a great deal of importance on definitions and what they mean. My expectations for relationships is entirely dependent on the type of relationship. I place very little requirements on my friends, showing interest or contact once a month or so is fine unless

I've known them forever in which case it is unnecessary.

I place a much greater requirements on my partners, as they are well, my partners. They are those I hold nothing from, and expect little judgment form. I don't enter into these relationships lightly, as it requires a lot of vulnerability and giving up of power on my end.

These types of relationships are inherently more important me, and often thus more stressful as they can bring out more insecurities.

What I expect from my partners is balance, and equality. I don't expect from them anything I am not willing to give in return. I can't force anyone to care for me as much as I care for them, but I can distance myself to a point where I feel I am not vulnerable or taken advantage of.

I feel that is where the current situation takes me, I don't feel it is fair, or justified, but it seems far past the point where anything I say or do will have any affect.

I think the worst part of it all however, is the self replicating issues that started the whole process. It feels very much like someone pissing you off, and then saying you have anger problems because you're pissed off. So you take some time away, come back refreshed and normal, yet people are still distant due to your anger problems from before.

This will mark a trend in unbalanced relationships.