*Updated to reflect this past weekend*
I love balance, I love harmony, and how things synergize when they flow together. That may just be my cancer roots, but having things feel balanced is very cathartic and enjoyable for me.
That isn't to say life isn't stressful, or annoying, or frustrating. But, when things are harmonious it seems so incredibly manageable. That is how things feel now, I think my partner and I we have found a nice balance (this past weekend withstanding) in our relationship in the amount of time we contribute and extract out of each other.
There are still things I desire out of our situation, but, the obsession and desperation is gone, thankfully. I still want to be collared, and have that intense D/S relationship aspect that we don't really have at the moment. We at the moment have a very limited sexual relationship, and as I grow more comfortable with myself, around hir, I'm wanting that experience and emotional engagement. I'm not pressured on this however, though when I tell other people that near 5 months into this relationship, that we still haven't slept together (or whatever kink fuck term you would like), most seem pretty astonished by it.
Some of this, I feel, is in my inexperience as a sub, and knowing how to instigate, inspire, and be assertive, without feeling an incongruence (lack of harmony, to stick with our theme from today) in that identity and the power I give. I often feel like it is out of place or line to pounce, or instigate things. It is something I'm learning to adapt around, but albeit slowly.
This is a great relief to me in the face of ongoing financial and healthcare stressors. I find myself being pulled beyond my means, and without a great deal of answers. Do I not go to the doctor, or do I simply not pay off my debt? It isn't that I can't pay my bills, I can, it is just that the means and ability to do so, is very thin.
I manage this largely out of neglect for other things. My car, for one, is an unabashed orgy of illegality at the moment. I have neither the funds to fix these things, or to maintain it. While this works, now, it isn't sustainable, and it isn't smart. Yet, until I find other options, what choice do I have.
On this past weekend, my partner and I spent the better part of 48 hours together, and as of now, I feel a bit oversaturated and drained. This is the first time I have felt as such, and don't want to attribute it to hir, but more the activities we were doing (video games and being silly). It isn't that I don't enjoy those things, but just that I need variety/pauses between endless tirades of World of Warcraft.
It may also be a partial response to the lack of romance and affection over the course of the weekend. Not that I was expecting anything in particular, but the affection energizes me and my involvement in the relationship. In this instance, we were both very casual and silly, which brings us closer together, but not necessarily in a romantic way. Which may explain the draining feeling after everything.
For example, when I think about say, going out with hir today, I hesitate, feeling like I just don't have the energy, where as normally I jump at the chance.
I love balance, I love harmony, and how things synergize when they flow together. That may just be my cancer roots, but having things feel balanced is very cathartic and enjoyable for me.
That isn't to say life isn't stressful, or annoying, or frustrating. But, when things are harmonious it seems so incredibly manageable. That is how things feel now, I think my partner and I we have found a nice balance (this past weekend withstanding) in our relationship in the amount of time we contribute and extract out of each other.
There are still things I desire out of our situation, but, the obsession and desperation is gone, thankfully. I still want to be collared, and have that intense D/S relationship aspect that we don't really have at the moment. We at the moment have a very limited sexual relationship, and as I grow more comfortable with myself, around hir, I'm wanting that experience and emotional engagement. I'm not pressured on this however, though when I tell other people that near 5 months into this relationship, that we still haven't slept together (or whatever kink fuck term you would like), most seem pretty astonished by it.
Some of this, I feel, is in my inexperience as a sub, and knowing how to instigate, inspire, and be assertive, without feeling an incongruence (lack of harmony, to stick with our theme from today) in that identity and the power I give. I often feel like it is out of place or line to pounce, or instigate things. It is something I'm learning to adapt around, but albeit slowly.
This is a great relief to me in the face of ongoing financial and healthcare stressors. I find myself being pulled beyond my means, and without a great deal of answers. Do I not go to the doctor, or do I simply not pay off my debt? It isn't that I can't pay my bills, I can, it is just that the means and ability to do so, is very thin.
I manage this largely out of neglect for other things. My car, for one, is an unabashed orgy of illegality at the moment. I have neither the funds to fix these things, or to maintain it. While this works, now, it isn't sustainable, and it isn't smart. Yet, until I find other options, what choice do I have.
On this past weekend, my partner and I spent the better part of 48 hours together, and as of now, I feel a bit oversaturated and drained. This is the first time I have felt as such, and don't want to attribute it to hir, but more the activities we were doing (video games and being silly). It isn't that I don't enjoy those things, but just that I need variety/pauses between endless tirades of World of Warcraft.
It may also be a partial response to the lack of romance and affection over the course of the weekend. Not that I was expecting anything in particular, but the affection energizes me and my involvement in the relationship. In this instance, we were both very casual and silly, which brings us closer together, but not necessarily in a romantic way. Which may explain the draining feeling after everything.
For example, when I think about say, going out with hir today, I hesitate, feeling like I just don't have the energy, where as normally I jump at the chance.
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