Social Regressions

Recently I've been thrust back into some relationships that I've found mimick some of my older ones pretty closely. Not in the sense that they are the same types of relationships I've had before, but just that I see these behavior patterns in my old relationships. What I found annoying, petty, and childish before, I now found immature, destructive, and ultimatly unproductive. What is disturbing is that I see how I've been able to move on past these issues in my life, and that I'm able to treat people with respect, yet seeing these traits still in people does nothing to attract me to these relationships.


This is somewhat troubling for someone that I'm attracted to, as it is somewhat a conflict in behaviors. I enjoy being around this person, but when joined with the rest of their cohorts it turns into a place I don't enjoy being.

Either way, it makes a good excuse to distance myself from these situations. The longer I am here the more I'm convinced that I need to expand my social circle and romantic interests into new areas. However, moving out of my comfort zone is well...uncomfortable.

I also find myself drinking more heavily than usual. I have a few ideas as to the reason behind this, but nothing firm just yet. I think some of it is largely social reasons, I think some of the stress and loneliness is beginning to weigh on my more heavily than I am acknowledging.  That isn't to say that I want to go back to Texas, indeed far from it. One thing I have noticed is that while I still have some mood swings towards the negative side, here, at least, I also have them towards the positive. This is something that never occured in Texas.

Speaking of moodswings, I've found getting off triggers them pretty rapidly and pretty heavily, at least, those times when I do get off. I'm not quite sure what it is about the act that pushes me into such..visceral states of mind. It does make me a bit concerned about my relationship with sex, and how that will play out.

I have discovered that given just about any environment I can slide into escapsim given my music is nearby. It always exacerbates my moods, either positive or negative, however, it brings me back inside, and centers me in an emotion, allowing me to inhabit the emotion and experience it fully. It isn't always productive, but it is usually enjoyable to some degree. At least, in that same familiar way that depression is both comfortable and disgustingly horrific at the same time.