Surface

As always, I'm not sure where to begin things. Not much has changed on the job front, things are as frustrating and hopeless as ever. I send out application after application to no avail.

I've been spending most of my time with the few friends I have here, but things are never that simple. I've found that I'm not quite sure where I stand with them. On the one hand I find that I've an attraction to them, but I tend to take a lack of action as disinterest. I.e. if they were interested they would make some sort of overt action. That, to me, doesn't seem illogical (though I know it is a bit). I've normally, at least up to this point, managed this without too much trouble.  Recently however I found myself doing an action that made someone pull away from me. I immediately felt awful, exposed, and embarrased for my display of affection that was so ..misdirected.

Nothing was said, and I was a bit drunk at the time, which always exacerbates my affections, however that doesn't remove the negative consequences of said action. So I'm left somewhere in between not knowing what to really do. I've accepted that I'll have to put my attraction aside and move to more of a friend relationship, it's the slip ups that I'm afraid of.

This is largely true of many of my relationships here. I think this is largely due to the fact that I spend so much of my time alone, and that the loneliness of existence is beginning to wear heavily on me. While I'm quick to get out of the apartment when given the chance, it seems almost a tease to myself to go expecting wanting things to happen. I know they probably won't, if they were, they would have happened a while ago. That doesn't convince the ache though.

I find myself growing callus and cold towards people as well. I'm trying hard not to become jaded and hopeless, but, it is a struggle.