Boundaries

On most days I can deal with my burdens in relative ease. It isn't pleasant but it is tolerable in most ways. After a recent involvement with someone, it has come to my attention that most everyone in my social circle knows I'm trans. Yet, they know through other people relaying my information without my permission. This is unbelievably infuriating and frustrating. It is a violation of trust and respect. It somewhat disappoints me in this city. I had expected when I moved here that I could largely live my life in relative peace and normalcy. That, apparently, isn't a gift I get to have. Much like the other things trans people don't have a right to, it seems peace isn't one them.

So, I've come to take my fun and happiness where I can. Be it three days with someone new that fails when their friends find out about me. Or just taking solace in my loneliness with coffee.

Perhaps the most depressing aspect, is that I'm getting used to this. I find myself growing at ease with not being happy, or with being alone. It isn't desirable, but it seems that is the life I'm destined to live one way or another. My aspirations of grace and gentle desirability are probably far fetched anyway.

In some ways, it is relieving that people know, here, at least, no one has disowned me because of things outside my choice. I can tolerate people seeing my flaws now, noticing the things that I can't or haven't changed yet. I was never one to believe I was beautiful anyway.

My life, it seems, is one of denial.