Things can't be the same

It's been a while since I've written. I think some of that is my own laziness, or lack of inspiration. I've been deluding myself into thinking that I'm not depressed, or that the greatness of seattle was enough in itself to overcome the rest of the shitty things in life. In some ways, it exacerbates them, if I let them. The stress and feelings of worthlessness are way greater than I ever thought possible. Hunting for jobs alone is enough to make me contemplate suicide, let alone doing with all the other shit going on.


I found some ways to cope, but, on days like yesterday, where I spend hours on end crying and feeling like life has no point, they seem few and far between. I did start seeing someone, but, like always, my excitement on the issue is limited. I'm not sure if it simply makes matters worse or not. Having a warm body to lay next to is nice, but it brings with it all manner of complications.

I wasn't naive enough to think simply by moving all my problems would be solved. I was apparently naive enough though to think I could find a job anywhere. I'm slowly coming to accept the possibility of having to move back to Texas, though, I do think it will be the end of me if I do. I found some people willing to help me out, and offering me a place to stay after my lease is up, but, I'm not sure. I'm beginning to think if I can't find a job in 9 months of looking I should just give up.

I don't relish in that idea. The simple thought of talking to my family again makes me cringe. They seem to think that I enjoy feeling worthless, and having nothing to do all day. They have no idea what is like to feel aimless, without a purpose or direction. While they romanticize the idea of not working again, it is only because they have the money and savings to be able to do so. Having to rely on other people for money, and having nothing to do all day is tormenting. They wouldn't know that however, as they don't know how to communicate with each other, let alone me.