Honestly

Okay, I'm going to try and be honest about how things are going. Not that I'm dishonest in these posts, but I tend to make things vague and buried within metaphor. I've been cutting fairly regularly, and my hip is beginning to look pretty nasty. It is to the point that I'm doing it in the bathroom while people are over. I would like to say that it isn't out of malice for myself, but just an act to feel something, anything.

Today I woke up, and proceeded to go right back to bed until around 7pm. I normally wake up around noon or so, and thus waking up in the mid afternoon isn't terribly uncharacteristic, but finally waking up around 7pm is. I felt very much like I was clouded in fog all day. A friend of mine came over, to which I was very nondescript and aloof. I'm not sure what gave me the urge to cut again today. We went over to a party where I hung around a bunch of people in relationships, and watched them interact. I'm honestly trying to snap out of this, and it at times somewhat works, but it always feels like I'm just taking small steps out of the hole, and not actually getting out of it. In the interim, I may have to find a new place to exercise my vices.

FYI, The concert was awesome, but I didn't feel the connection I was looking for.

Tampons

I know that simply moving into a new environment doesn't solve any old problems, as it just puts them in a new environment. I'm really beginning to feel though, that if I can't get out of Texas, that things won't really get better. I'm in a drastic need of a new situation. A place to begin again, and remake myself...again. Not that it will be easy, but my motivation to stay in this place is threadbare, and no one is really making me want to stay. This place doesn't foster the kind of friends I want to have. While they are great in their own way, it isn't what I'm looking for, nor has it been for a long time.

I'm not sure if my decline in mood is attributed to my living alone, or a combination of other things. I'm inclined to think it is stress, along with lonliness. I'm glad I have another concert tonight, being shoved into a small cluster of humans sounds like exactly the type of subtle human connection that will do me good.

I got my period today. I thought about how to phrase this, and whether to publicize it, but I think it fits best here. I know many cisgender women would be quick to criticize a transwoman saying that, but transwomen bleed just as often. We do just as much work to hide it, tolerate, and deal with. The only real difference being that one is genetic, and the other self inflicted. I debated posting a "tampon" picture on facebook of the aftermath, but it would probably generate the type of attention I'm not looking for. The notion is something I very much want to spread, but as much as it appeals to me, I think much of the message would be lost in favor of inquiring about my state of mind and self destructive habits.

Anyway, I'll update again tonight or tomorrow and hopefully will be feeling better.

Praying

Well I finally started taking charity donations for surgical operations. You can view that website at angelsinabsolute.blogspot.com. It is a play off this website, I thought it was clever. Anyway, it is hard to say just where things are these days. I've sent out my first of many job applications, and while I don't expect much from them, I'm not going to be disappointed if I don't get anything. Things are simply just very tense at the moment. Between finances, the chaos of post-graduation, school work, and all the rest, I'm just beginning to crack I think.

What is more disturbing, is I'm not the only one. A good friend of mine, and fellow trans person, checked into a hospitality voluntarily. I talked to him extensively the night before, when he was having an emotional melt down. I don't see that as a far out possibility. I think the only real difference is that I haven't had the hope driven out of me yet. Had my situation been as dire as his, I can easily see myself going down that road. Last Thursday was an equally bad day, that was filled with very trying circumstances, arguably one of the worst in a long time, but I held it together. When prompted at therapy, the general consensus was it was an issue of loneliness/lack of connections, underneath a large banner of unimaginable stress. Indeed, I can handle almost anything with the supportive of my friends, but alone my strength dwindles considerably.

That wasn't the case this past Friday however. The day was actually relatively fine, with nothing really going on. However, late in the evening I purposefully dived into some areas that I knew were going to upset me. I'm still not sure why, aside from a weird urge to take care of an issue then and there, and release the negativity, rather than wait for it to bubble up to the surface.

I did make use of my knife to cut in a few places, but it didn't carry the shame that it did the last time I did. I'm currently chalking that to being upset (last time) vs depressed (this time). No, This time was only a nice sharp release that I am accustomed to. I'm not sure if I'm going to continue doing so, I had thought I was done with it, but it seems our daemons will always come back if we allow them an avenue.

Darker

Um, where to begin. I'm not sure what the thought process is among my friends, but be it simple scheduling conflicts, or some other reason, it seems we are not going to be visiting each other anytime soon. They enjoy going out without me it seems, and aren't going to alter there lives to fit around me. That is their prerogative, but at the same time don't expect me to sit around and listen to how much they miss me. I'm a busy girl these days and sitting around talking about things while doing something else does not strike me well.

The depression I fought off the other night comes and goes in waves, at times I can feel the energy drain out of me while I sit in front of my computer, and other days it doesn't seem to get to me. I've so far resisted the urges to self harm, but I know they are still there, lurking in the night. I did go to some awesome concerts this past week, and that really helped my spirits, but those tend to be few and far between. Meanwhile I'm getting pressured from all sides by a variety of things. My most hectic week of school is over, but there is still much to do before the semester is over and the real stress begins. That is a different entry though. Mainly, I'm just existing on a daily basis, the more tasks I have to do, the less time I have to wither and fall into despair.

I did have someone sleep along side me the other night. It was more a tease than anything else. While the person was quite attractive, the only contact our bodies made was a brief nudge when our feet touched in mid sleep. Well, I wasn't asleep, I spent much of the night curled in a ball off to the extreme side of the bed, trying not to cry myself to sleep. I suppose I could have made an advancement, but being rejected is not what I need right now.

Coming out day

It is National Coming out day, and I am struck by a complication of things. I've come to believe that coming out day is a day to release things that you've been holding inside. It seemed appropriate that I discuss what has been bothering me lately, and that came out as "a girl with suicidal tendencies".  Honestly, I see these young kids who kill themselves, and a part of me thinks they have the right idea. As someone with no fear of death, and no particular enjoyment of life, taking one's life has never been a moral question for me, but one of practicality. It always seemed an easy solution to a problem that many people struggle to see. Everyone dies regardless, and I don't see the harm in taking a short cut there when there is no particular enjoyment in life.

I'm feeling normal again, but this past Saturday I felt a depression that was abnormally bad. Something I hadn't felt in a particularly long time. This overwhelming patheticness and hopelessness, loneliness and fatalism that was all but overwhelming. I thought hard about cutting but refrained, and I'm thankful that I've learned to cry a lot more easily. The cause can be traced back to a lack of resources, and being stuck inside my apartment, again. I don't particularly enjoy staying inside, but it is something I've had to deal with more frequently this semester as my few friends now have scheduling problems. I'll spare you other details, but suffice to say that things built upon one another.

I was out of it the next day, but it has given me some serious doubts on what I want to do after graduation, and how I'm going to go about doing it. I'm much more fragile than I remembered.