Confrontations

Well I had an interesting weekend. I spent Saturday evening at a symphony, being a very out lesbian/pan-girl in a church with numerous older folk. The stares and gawks were enjoyable for once. I'm not sure why we felt we could be out, I suppose it was defiance more than anything. Very enjoyable none the less. Sunday was less so, while I got to see an old sister of mine, I was apparently read by my girlfriend's father.

Troubling news. It was the first time I've really been read in a while by someone, and I haven't any idea what it was that gave me away. Needless to say I didn't take it well. I had believed myself rather successful in passing to the people I was meeting, and having that confidence shattered didn't exactly sit well.

This morning, things got even worse. I managed to announce my unreciprocated feelings for my girlfriend, leaving me feeling even more vulnerable and depressed. Follow this up with my normal round of electrolysis inspired self loathing and you get my concoction for a shitty day. I did talk to the girlfriend a bit, but the overall feelings of dread, and negativity are persistent throughout.

Too Random for Something Real

In light of recent developments, I am somewhat relieved. I've been seeing someone, and it is refreshing to know that the apathy (emotionally and physically) that plagued me in my last relationship is gone. I don't feel forced to be affectionate, and it brings me genuine joy and happiness to express it. Something I haven't experienced in a long time.

It is fleeting though, I know that come the fall, when ze moves away, this relationship will end. Looking at things overall, it does seem pretty random, and illogical for us to work as an item.

I find myself regressing at times. Still. Old habits are coming back, and I don't care for them. While some are just small things that affect the way I am perceived, others are old demons that are still puttering around in me.

It is a strange time, I feel there is this reservoir of held back negativity that I'm not addressing, but, here, and now, with hir, I simply don't want, or have to deal with it. I can just forget about everything and live in the moment. What I'm going to do when ze leaves...I've yet to figure out.

Still Looking

Thank god the semester is basically over. Aside from an exam and presentation I'm free and clear. Aside from the stress, I'm just tired of being in the closet in my classes. While I did receive some distressing reports from fellow trans people who have been outed, I only have one semester left and I just don't care. I said long ago I wasn't going to let this control my life, and its about time I started living up to that oath.

I still haven't found a place to live, so that is still something I need to figure out over the summer. I'm so ready to finish school, I've been going for about 20 years now, and the urge to be independent and supporting myself is pretty strong.

I'm still looking for my voice though, my guitar is still somewhat muffled, and I'm struggling to come up with a unique sound to it. Its frustrating to hear what I play, and just hear the generic sound and tone of it. I still have my dreams, but it now seems more distant than ever.

Romantically the situation is similar, I've been struggling with feeling desired. While I enjoy being involved with someone, I'm looking to feel desired, which, while I've felt it before, seems also distant and...unobtainable. I know it is foolish to seek physical validation in the desire of others, right now, reinforcement of my attractiveness is what I'm needing most of all.