Still Looking

Thank god the semester is basically over. Aside from an exam and presentation I'm free and clear. Aside from the stress, I'm just tired of being in the closet in my classes. While I did receive some distressing reports from fellow trans people who have been outed, I only have one semester left and I just don't care. I said long ago I wasn't going to let this control my life, and its about time I started living up to that oath.

I still haven't found a place to live, so that is still something I need to figure out over the summer. I'm so ready to finish school, I've been going for about 20 years now, and the urge to be independent and supporting myself is pretty strong.

I'm still looking for my voice though, my guitar is still somewhat muffled, and I'm struggling to come up with a unique sound to it. Its frustrating to hear what I play, and just hear the generic sound and tone of it. I still have my dreams, but it now seems more distant than ever.

Romantically the situation is similar, I've been struggling with feeling desired. While I enjoy being involved with someone, I'm looking to feel desired, which, while I've felt it before, seems also distant and...unobtainable. I know it is foolish to seek physical validation in the desire of others, right now, reinforcement of my attractiveness is what I'm needing most of all.