It is National Coming out day, and I am struck by a complication of things. I've come to believe that coming out day is a day to release things that you've been holding inside. It seemed appropriate that I discuss what has been bothering me lately, and that came out as "a girl with suicidal tendencies". Honestly, I see these young kids who kill themselves, and a part of me thinks they have the right idea. As someone with no fear of death, and no particular enjoyment of life, taking one's life has never been a moral question for me, but one of practicality. It always seemed an easy solution to a problem that many people struggle to see. Everyone dies regardless, and I don't see the harm in taking a short cut there when there is no particular enjoyment in life.
I'm feeling normal again, but this past Saturday I felt a depression that was abnormally bad. Something I hadn't felt in a particularly long time. This overwhelming patheticness and hopelessness, loneliness and fatalism that was all but overwhelming. I thought hard about cutting but refrained, and I'm thankful that I've learned to cry a lot more easily. The cause can be traced back to a lack of resources, and being stuck inside my apartment, again. I don't particularly enjoy staying inside, but it is something I've had to deal with more frequently this semester as my few friends now have scheduling problems. I'll spare you other details, but suffice to say that things built upon one another.
I was out of it the next day, but it has given me some serious doubts on what I want to do after graduation, and how I'm going to go about doing it. I'm much more fragile than I remembered.
I'm feeling normal again, but this past Saturday I felt a depression that was abnormally bad. Something I hadn't felt in a particularly long time. This overwhelming patheticness and hopelessness, loneliness and fatalism that was all but overwhelming. I thought hard about cutting but refrained, and I'm thankful that I've learned to cry a lot more easily. The cause can be traced back to a lack of resources, and being stuck inside my apartment, again. I don't particularly enjoy staying inside, but it is something I've had to deal with more frequently this semester as my few friends now have scheduling problems. I'll spare you other details, but suffice to say that things built upon one another.
I was out of it the next day, but it has given me some serious doubts on what I want to do after graduation, and how I'm going to go about doing it. I'm much more fragile than I remembered.
No more cutting
ReplyDeletehave you thought about taking Lexapro or something to help?
ReplyDeleteI'm generally opposed to antidepressants on a whole. Those I've known that have chronic depression have told me that it doesn't really help, it just makes everything numb. I have no personal experience to compare, but at the same time, until this most recent bout, I haven't had to deal with depression in a good two years or so. At least not THIS kind
ReplyDeleteAs someone with serious problems of self harm I spent decades rejecting the idea of anti-depressants. Last year when things were particularly bad I finally gave in and accepted some SSRI's. The did make me 'numb' and lethargic for a couple of weeks but it went away. My life has been turned around by them & my anxiety has really been reduced. Everybody's different, but for me they really work.
ReplyDeleteI'll take your words into consideration next time I'm thinking about going on them.
ReplyDelete