For the first time, in a long time, I'm beginning to feel genuinely frightened and anxious. Nervous and stressed, torn and unsure. I was talking to Denver the other day, and when I remarked on my infinite options, he said to let it set me free, and that some people would kill to have my situation. That didn't do much for me, despite his sweet motivation. I've been romanticizing him and our situation for something to hold onto. Some resemblance of structure or plan in my life. Some sort of direction, even if false, is better than nothing. Not that I'm opposed to the romantic intentions we've conjured up together, but on one level, I don't see them as entirely genuine. I think we exploit the significant barriers between us for excuses to be more endearing than our feelings truly merit. Why? Because we all like to have a romantic interest, no matter how distant or unfeasible, knowing that someone is out there who likes you, is a powerful crutch for an old wound.
It isn't just the workload, yes, it is more than I anticipated being my last semester of graduate school, but I can handle that in and of itself. Some of it is seeing old friends of mine drift farther and father away, knowing that despite my attempts, I can't keep them interested in being friends. There is nothing there to build that closeness anymore.
Overall I think some of it is simply feeling alone. I'm not sure why this feeling has crept up now more so than before, but even my closer friends seem more distant and..detached from me. I catch them doing things that offend me, or being innocently and ignorantly cruel, which is unlike them.
The large chunk of the anxiety is from not knowing what I'm doing once I graduate. As I said above, I've infinite possibilities before me, and aside from a few constraints, there is no wrong direction. I don't know what to do, and it is driving me mad. There is so much pressure to figure out what to do, and to do it fast. Yet at the same time unreasonable expectations are being made, I'm to find a job immediately and start working, when I'm young, inexperienced, and transgender. All three of these categories have very high relative rates of unemployment. I'm not using that as an excuse, but just as explanation as to why I'm expecting to encounter resistance. On the other side, there have been no listening ears to vent to. Hence, I'm left to vent my frustrations on here in some sort of relief. Lord knows I've no other outlets these days.
I really need to get over my little crushes. I've a terrible habit of getting hyper-romantic over straight female friends of mine from my past. In some instances I find myself wanting to block them completely so I don't have to see them, but I never manage to get that far. I suppose I'm looking for something in them, I'm looking for what I want to be.
wow....that's depressing. In the end, it boils down to the same insecurities, the same desires, and the same fears that I've always had. Body, mine, and the lack of any other.
It isn't just the workload, yes, it is more than I anticipated being my last semester of graduate school, but I can handle that in and of itself. Some of it is seeing old friends of mine drift farther and father away, knowing that despite my attempts, I can't keep them interested in being friends. There is nothing there to build that closeness anymore.
Overall I think some of it is simply feeling alone. I'm not sure why this feeling has crept up now more so than before, but even my closer friends seem more distant and..detached from me. I catch them doing things that offend me, or being innocently and ignorantly cruel, which is unlike them.
The large chunk of the anxiety is from not knowing what I'm doing once I graduate. As I said above, I've infinite possibilities before me, and aside from a few constraints, there is no wrong direction. I don't know what to do, and it is driving me mad. There is so much pressure to figure out what to do, and to do it fast. Yet at the same time unreasonable expectations are being made, I'm to find a job immediately and start working, when I'm young, inexperienced, and transgender. All three of these categories have very high relative rates of unemployment. I'm not using that as an excuse, but just as explanation as to why I'm expecting to encounter resistance. On the other side, there have been no listening ears to vent to. Hence, I'm left to vent my frustrations on here in some sort of relief. Lord knows I've no other outlets these days.
I really need to get over my little crushes. I've a terrible habit of getting hyper-romantic over straight female friends of mine from my past. In some instances I find myself wanting to block them completely so I don't have to see them, but I never manage to get that far. I suppose I'm looking for something in them, I'm looking for what I want to be.
wow....that's depressing. In the end, it boils down to the same insecurities, the same desires, and the same fears that I've always had. Body, mine, and the lack of any other.
Who is Denver?
ReplyDeleteDenver is a boy that I fooled around with when I was in Denver in the middle of July. It was on the way back from Seattle, he was a friend of a friend of mine.
ReplyDelete