Previously, I've mentioned how I spent much of my teenage years locking myself away behind doors and televisions. I'm also leaving my home for the last three years this semester. This leaves me wanting to go out and celebrate life as much as possible because it is the last bit of it here I will get. However, I have night classes, in which I'm in class when most people are ending their day. Normally this isn't an issue, however at times, like tonight, I end up wanting to go out and socialize, and get blown off and excused away to my apartment, to lock myself away behind doors and televisions. I find people who I still call my friends, don't even bother returning calls anymore. I guess I at least know where I stand. Soon enough I will simply drop them out of my life, I've no need of acquaintances.
In other depressing news!
Unfortunately, there is no way for me to alter my bone structure. At least, not to the extent I am wanting. Recently the body image issue that is cropping up is my broadness, the large shoulder bones and ribs. In mirrors I simply keep imagining my body with smaller shoulders and a thinner rib cage. Alas, there isn't anything I can do about it, but that still doesn't make me want to keep them. I suppose I'm waiting for my hips to fill out, or my behind...or my thighs, but that seems to be stalling out as it is.
The other issue, is in trying to find or discover a female orgasm. It is possible, I've heard from people who had female orgasms before having any surgeries. I however, can't seem to find one (not for lack of trying). Anytime I do however, it is the same thing I've always had. I'm beginning to feel like I may not be able to, at the moment, nothing seems quit so depressing as that. I feel I tolerate many of the ...sacrifices I have to make in comparison to cisgender females. I can tolerate being slightly taller, slightly broader, slightly thinner, slightly less endowed. I struggle with having to shave, I wince at not being a mother, and I cringe at my genitals. I somehow manage to live with all of this, but trying and trying over and over again to find something that should be rightfully mine already and a non-issue, is unfair and unjust. It makes me feel like I am broken. (Well, more so).
In other depressing news!
Unfortunately, there is no way for me to alter my bone structure. At least, not to the extent I am wanting. Recently the body image issue that is cropping up is my broadness, the large shoulder bones and ribs. In mirrors I simply keep imagining my body with smaller shoulders and a thinner rib cage. Alas, there isn't anything I can do about it, but that still doesn't make me want to keep them. I suppose I'm waiting for my hips to fill out, or my behind...or my thighs, but that seems to be stalling out as it is.
The other issue, is in trying to find or discover a female orgasm. It is possible, I've heard from people who had female orgasms before having any surgeries. I however, can't seem to find one (not for lack of trying). Anytime I do however, it is the same thing I've always had. I'm beginning to feel like I may not be able to, at the moment, nothing seems quit so depressing as that. I feel I tolerate many of the ...sacrifices I have to make in comparison to cisgender females. I can tolerate being slightly taller, slightly broader, slightly thinner, slightly less endowed. I struggle with having to shave, I wince at not being a mother, and I cringe at my genitals. I somehow manage to live with all of this, but trying and trying over and over again to find something that should be rightfully mine already and a non-issue, is unfair and unjust. It makes me feel like I am broken. (Well, more so).
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